Last summer, I fell into a hole of internet personality tests. From Myer Briggs to Big 5 to the Enneagram, I was on a ceaseless mission to discovering myself— who I was, what I valued, how I behaved. My journey towards self discovery manifested itself through a plethora of different avenues; I checked out countless self help books, watched random psychology videos on youtube, and browsed a ridiculous number of PsychologyToday articles online. I hoped to gain perspective on who I was and tweak whatever imperfections barred me from existing as a fully functional and “normal” human being. I thought that if I could understand myself fully and control my behaviors strictly enough, I would be easily able to overcome whatever challenges life threw my way, while maintaining a veneer of poise that others could rely on during times of trial as well.
Sadly, I found that my methodology was not enough.
In my efforts to juggle my own insufficiencies with those of the people around me, I had run hopelessly low on compassion for both others and myself. In times of vulnerability, I found myself lacking forgiveness and patience, as I pushed myself to overstep boundaries and belittled my own sense of self worth in order to build up those around me.
I finally reached breaking point when I was offered a position of leadership for an organization I worked diligently for in the past year and entered a period of debilitating hesitation towards saying accepting. Although I wanted the responsibility and recognition that the position entitled, I felt incapable of asserting myself to the degree that the position called for. However, when I admitted my feelings of inadequacy to my interviewer, the founder of the organization, I was surprised to hear her say that she also struggled with in-assertiveness— that it shouldn’t be something I felt ashamed about, but rather an opportunity to learn and grow.
Hearing this statement from someone who I viewed as having their life perfectly together seemed to give me permission to give myself some slack, as I realized the commonality of the struggle for self-confidence—the difficulty of occupying the space you’ve been given in life with grace and dignity. I simply had to give myself the chance to go after what I wanted.
I realize that not everyone is as neurotic as myself. But for those who may suffer as acutely from indecision and in-assertiveness as myself, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tidbits from the self help books/media that I’ve consumed over the past year. While I certainly am no expert in self-improvement, hopefully, these tips will be of some help to you. 🙂
In the words of the famous Pam Beesely, “Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn’t that long.”
- “I” Statements: When confronting another person, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. While it might not seem like much, placing yourself ,“I” as the subject of the sentence immediately asserts yourself as the individual initiating action. You can avoid exaggerated accusations of the other person’s faults, and immediately voice your concerns. While you can’t always change the circumstances that life throws at you, you do have power over your response. (ex. “I think you ate the last cookie.” vs. “You ate the last cookie.”)
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help: Let go of the mindset that you need to handle everything on your own. People are willing to help and listen. In the face of life’s challenges, accept that cooperation and trust are a necessity.
- Don’t say you’re sorry for things you’re not sorry for: As author Fyodor Dostoevsky writes in his book The Brothers Karamazov, “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others.”
- Don’t feel the need to justify yourself for saying no: No means no. Not maybe. And certainly not yes.
- Embrace the awkward silence: You don’t need to fill every empty moment with mindless chatter. Silence can be comfortable and an invitation for others to speak.
- Silence your inner critic —As the saying goes, you are your worst critic. Not everyone is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself. Accept that you are imperfect and forgive yourself as readily as you’d forgive another person.
This blog post was inspired by…
“Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff
Anna Akana (youtuber)
The Enneagram Institute
STEPHANOOOO I’m so happy that you opened up to some of the insecurities you’ve experienced! I want to let you know that everyone has these thoughts at one point or another; some are simply better at disguising them. For your issue with unassertiveness, I’m going to suggest the strategy of “fake it until you make it.” Fake being assertive in situations where you previously may not have been and then after a while, it won’t be that uncomfortable to stand your ground for your beliefs and values. Most of all, I love that you took it into your own hands to find the answers to questions you couldn’t answer and asked older people for their wisdoms. Continual learning is all we can do to try and understand just a tiny bit of our awesome world 🙂
I really liked this post!!! I feel like everyone relates to you, in some degree, but the hard part is actually acknowledging that lack of confidence and trying to fix it, so kudos to you! I’ve definitely been in similar situations where I realize that the people who seem to have it all together are also struggling with the same stuff as me. Far too often, we isolate ourselves and assume that we’re the only ones feeling a certain way, which is usually not the case. All of the tips that you gave are extremely useful, and although I haven’t been able to fully embibe them, I’ve seen how some of these changes can help with confidence.
First, I just want to say that I appreciate how honest you are with yourself and your desire to become more self-aware. Even as someone who considers themselves to be fairly assertive (enough where it doesn’t plague my everyday thoughts and actions), this still takes getting used to. Personally, I would really rely on other people to push me. I think that can often take the pressure off you, when you allow others to validate your ability and all you have to do is believe them–usually easier than fighting off self-doubt on your own. The only way to become more assertive is just to keep doing it! So just by taking up that opportunity, you are already building the foundation to make asserting yourself a habit!!
My fellow life coach as finally written down her amazing speeches in words! As someone who can definitely relate to this post, and someone who often comes to you for help, this post gave me the best of both worlds and will always be something I will reference in the future. This post made me realize the importance of other people as resources in my life, as one of the first steps to self acceptance is to acknowledge the sources. In a sense, the powerful action I called isolation before is simply a side affect for self discontent. Thank you for teaching me to open up myself to you and others and providing these words of wisdom!