For those who can handle it, tantalizing, fried crisps of industrial corn drenched in the iconic red 40 dye serve as an alternate purpose to life.
One bite and they immediately lift your spirits, leaving your fingers dusted with unmatched flavor. Your day is no longer completely horrible — the prospect of gastritis excites you, practically daring you to eat more. That’s right, I’m talking about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. These legendary snacks “made with real cheese” are a testament to what our society has done right. Allow me to explain with a brief backstory:
Richard Montañez, who grew up in a Mexican immigrant family and dropped out of school because he wasn’t good at english, wound up working at a Frito-Lay plant. One day, he brought a batch of undusted Cheetos home, mixing them with some of the traditional elote toppings: lime and chili. Everyone loved it.
So he called up the CEO, landed himself a pitch meeting, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos were born.
The story resonates because it’s the classic rags-to-riches, American dream story. With confidence and an entrepreneurial spirit, you could be just about anything. Montañez has since moved up the corporate ladder, now serving as a VP with PepsiCo North America. (He also has a movie, appropriately titled “Flamin’ Hot,” being produced about his life.)
Hot Cheetos have united a large band of us, from cities all around the world. At summer camps where I’ve made friends hailing from Mexico and Zimbabwe, one element holds constant among all of us: our appreciation for Hot Cheetos.
But then again, this is a definitive shortlist and ranking (the title is not entirely clickbait) of the best spicy snacks our thin wallets can get us. I’ll spare you the annoyance of having to go through 20-odd-something slides (*cough* @ U.S. News & World Reports) to reveal my #1 pick, so I’ll tell you right here and now:
- Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (Original Crunchy)
They are unparalleled, not only in their trademarked seasoning (which is so good, they’ve sold it to Flamin’ Hot Doritos, and more), but in their texture. The crunch is a perfect amount, not ever too hard or too fluffy, and the shape perfectly encapsulates pools of Flamin’ Hot red dust to excite your taste buds.
The texture, in my opinion, is where the Hot Cheetos Puffs fall short — the airiness and dissolving of the puff reduces the *pow* of the Flamin’ Hot seasoning. It’s not as transformative of an experience.
You see, I grew up in an Asian household where “unhealthy” snacks weren’t allowed in our pantry. I only got treated to these bad boys on road trips, where I could down a whole family size bag of Hot Cheetos in under 15 minutes. I was about 10 years old, and I made the connection of Hot Cheetos with the exhilarating freedom of the open road.
- Trader Joe’s Chili & Lime Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips
These are a recent new discovery of mine. While they don’t rank up *that* high on the hotness scale, they make up for it in the perfect balance of lime acidity. The flavor is powerful, leaving your mouth watering just after one bite. They’re generously coated in chili lime goodness, and even though they don’t scream red hot, they still deliver. Coming from Trader Joe’s, the ingredients are legit — you can actually pronounce them, and they won’t give you stomach cancer.
They’re a healthier version of Takis (see #5, because I don’t think too highly of them). You can snack on these with much less remorse compared to the other chips on this list. They also get extra credit points for beautiful packaging design. Plus, who doesn’t love Trader Joe’s?
- Snyder’s Hot Buffalo Wing Pretzel Pieces
These are purely addicting. The ambush of buffalo wing flavor is nothing short of thrilling. Whatever seasoning extravaganza Snyder’s uses is life-changing, and out of all the chips I’m reviewing today, these have the heaviest dose of roaring orange powder. Because they’re buffalo flavor, they’re not as pure spice, but that doesn’t discount them at all in this round-up. I find the acidity of buffalo to be an excellent flavor, mixing up your palate from the ordinary chili pepper-hotness. And since they’re pretzels at heart, you’re always promised a good crunch.
If you love hot wings as much as I do, you should definitely give these a shot. Some have never heard of this flavor of pretzel pieces, but they’re in good supply. They’re always in stock at Jewel, and even at a random gas station in Peru, IL.
- Takis Fuego
I will say straight up, I have no idea what is in these. Monosodium glutamate? Sure. Disodium inosinate? Bring it on. Carcinogens? Why the hell not?
While I’ll admit a lot of their ingredients overlap with those of Hot Cheetos, Takis always leave me feeling sick. But don’t get me wrong, the flavor on these tortilla chips are unmatched. The caked-up, deep red hue unleashes chili & lime, although in amounts not as tasteful as their Trader Joe’s variant. If you’re a real stickler for spice, go for Takis. Out of all the snacks I’ve mentioned here, these to me are the spiciest (then again, I am immune to Hot Cheetos).
These are just my opinions. For a full article on every single hot snack imaginable, which, for the record, I do not 100% agree with, check out this piece from the LA Times.
And no matter what snack is your favorite, all spice-lovers can agree that these chips are not for the weak. (Yes, that is a challenge.)
So get your car keys, a couple bucks, and make your way to your closest Jewel or Trader Joe’s. MSG, red-stained fingertips, and happiness await you.
I would just like to say that I am EXTREMELY thankful for Mr. Richard Montanez. Without him, my whole personality that I have built up about being immune to spice would be nonexistent. Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog, I loved the voice you maintained throughout and I audibly laughed a couple of times. I used to be a loyal follower of the Original Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, HOWEVER, ever since I tried the Exxtra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, I’ve never been able to go back. After eating the ~enhanced~ cheetos, the lack of flavoring in the originals is too noticable. I wouldn’t say the extra spicy ones are actually spicer but they are much saltier and saucier.
Also, do you find that the Spicy Cheetos are always buy 2 for like $6 at Jewel???
I definitely need to try the Exxtra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos! I always see them but opt for the OG. And as for 2 for $6 at Jewel, I usually swing by Walmart after a Costco run and they’re $2.50 each there.
They aren’t my favorite snack of all time, but they are super addicting. It’s kind of like when you first get to the pool and you don’t really want to get wet, but once you dip your toes in and someone splashes you, you kind of don’t care anymore. It’s the same with Cheetos. You don’t really want to get your fingers red but once you do, there’s no going back.
I remember back in 8th grade the boys would dip Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in hot sauce and try to eat a bag like that. I think they called it the Cheeto Challenge or something stupid like that. Anyways, your list was really insightful. I really want to try the Trader Joes rolled tortilla chips now :P. I would say my spice tolerance is just ok. I tried someone’s habanero wings from Buffalo Wild Wings and I couldn’t handle it… How spicy is too spicy for you?
I really think there are different types of spice, so it’s hard to pinpoint what I can/can’t handle – I can’t stand Mala sauce (especially with the numbing effect), and I haven’t tried the whole assortment of Bdubs wings but I want to soon!
Ok so I’m trying to cut eating mass amounts chips out of my diet and I just have to say that this made me crave hot cheetos. However, I am really bad at eating spicy foods, like when I mean bad I have to have like a gallon of milk by my side while eating. (haha i know you can eat a whole bag of hot cheetos in one sitting, don’t make fun of me) The Trader joes spicy tortilla chips actually look really good, I’ve never tried them before but I think I might just have to based on this post.
June!
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are my absolute favvvvvvs. I remember back when my metabolism was higher I would devour a whole bag in a day. I can’t do that now because when when I eat more than a cup I start having digestion problems :(. Somehow, the flavor and spice is mixed perfectly so that after each cheeto you always go in for more. They are addicting in a way that I’ve never experienced with other foods such as ice cream, chips, or popcorn. This is a case of a formula succeeding in every which way possible. I also appreciated your chart listing all the spicy snacks because I haven’t been able to encounter another snack that has the right balance as the flamin’ hot cheeto so I will try some from the chart.
I personally am not a fan of these flamin’ hot snacks. However, you made me almost second guess my opinon without even eating these chips. The way you describe the flavor of the chips seems almost like a rollercoaster ride; absolutely thrilling. I also really liked how you provided a background on the cheetos. I had no idea that there was so much that went in to making a simple snack. I almost wished I like these just to support what went into them.