We move north! from the shores of the primordial soup to those inglorious sonsaguns that shed their gills for lungs to live on land. I don’t have as many problems with land animals as I did with amphibious and water animals, but that’s not to mean they’re free of sin. There are plenty I could defeat in a straight fight.
Similar rules to last post. 50x50x50ft cube, the animal is enraged: it will fight to the end even if it normally wouldn’t. The battle ends when one of us is knocked out or otherwise out of commission. No water is to be permitted in the arena: but on enemy request grass may be allowed. Mostly rated on ease and how fun they’ll be.
#10 – Alligator
“Jacks off his rocker” you think. “gone off the deep-end, cookoo!”, and yes these animals are big and scary and able to murder you easily. However, they’re not built for speed or quick turns. I circle strafe around it and grab it by the tail. turn it over and start attacking its soft stomach. Its a tough fight, I probably come out on the other side injured, but it is a close win. Not very fun because one mistake and I’m a goner, so it’s worrysome: it’s either a stomp on my end or a stomp on the gators end.
#9 – 6 Muskrats
Insignificant Muskrats, come on. Who couldn’t win? It’ll at least be fairly neat, I might get some bite marks but a muskrat goes down whenever I actually get a shot in on one. They requested grass for this battle but I denied, they don’t need it. Interesting fight.
#8 – Raccoon Dog
Now, I wouldn’t normally fight one: but if push came to shove I think I have this in the bag. In fact, I don’t think this is even a contest. We know who wins once we enter that arena, but like the nature of man this fight isn’t going to be pretty. those claws are sharp, but my quick thinking is sharper.
#7 – 782 Rats
Rats, rats, they’re the rats. Fuzzy little guys, and exactly that: little. We’re not counting the chance I die of disease after, so in a straight brawl against 782 Rats I can win. Send that wave of rat boys right at me and I will utterly destroy them: the rat-tide.
#6 – The Dodo
Already gone, I win by default.
#5 – A Goose
Shout out to jack on this one, slayer of geese. I think I could take a goose, not sure how many: but one I easily beat the bricks off of. Canadian geese deserve it too, they’re invasive and poop on everything causing Illness. I will be a righteous avenger of justice against these fr*nch spies.
#4 – Wolf
The most generic image of a wolf I’ve seen a lot. anyways yeah I could take one. Not a pack but I could take down one. It’ll be an intense match as well, one of the toughest foes I’ve fought across both top 10’s. No particular weakness beyond its size. But it’ll be a fight for the ages, absolute slobber-knocker: Just gotta protect my neck. Go for the stomach and try holding it’s jaws, pound it with unrelenting attacks, It’ll eventually come down to a tussle on the ground between the two of us when we’re both battered. Very cinematic but I can come out victorious.
#3 – Honey Badger
Cue the epic fight music! The honey badger, terminators of the wild: absolute monsters in most forms. They might be smaller side, but god damn are they formidable. They fight like the devil, so I need to be divine in my war against their kind to win. I punch too wrong it bites my fingers off. I miss my kick that’s my hamstrings gone. It crawls up my arm thee goes my neck. I need to be precise, i need to be thorough, and I need to be quick. I can’t go on the offensive, I have to keep on the defensive until it messes up due to their speed. But I can win, and its a pulse pounding battle. Very fun, very enjoyable: and intense, it can go either way. Grass is allowed.
#2 – Sun Bear
Medium sized knockoff bears! I might not be able to take a black or a grizzly, but I can take this one. Their form is plagued with biological flaws, flaws I can take advantage of, bad touches a regular bear doesn’t have. Its form borders on pitiful: its mistaken for a human. It has a long tongue, when it roars I can grab it by that and swing it around like bowsers tail in Super Mario 64. I can pummel this thing, even its claws and teeth won’t be dangerous if I can take the initiative. If I go on the offensive, if I keep from being put on the defensive: or even climb on its back, its an easy win.
#1 – Man
The most dangerous game of them all, the most dangerous predator and most dangerous prey. The greatest foe: myself. Do I need to explain how this goes down? a fistfight. Maybe a few wrestling moves involved. But I know I can win, I know I can come out on top. I know all of mans weakpoints, I am man and man is me. the ultimate victory against a stock human.
I have been looking forward to this post and appreciate your deep interest in the art of fighting animals. A few things to consider though, firstly, 782 rats is a lot of rats, with an average rat being 10 oz, making you have to fight over 488 pounds of pure rat. Secondly, wolves are pretty fast, and have superior endurance to humans, so they’ll probably attack your leg first due to their height and then drag you to the ground. Once you’re on the ground, unless you have REALLY good Jiu Jitsu, you’re basically dead. Also an alligator is an interesting pick, though they don’t look like it, alligators can run at 20 mph on land, and grabbing it by its tail and turning it over might not be possible given a male alligator is 500 pounds. If you do manage to grab a hold of its tail it’ll probably whip it out of your hands and proceed to eat you. I would be curious to know your martial arts experience and maybe some in depth battle plans on how you plan to beat these animals.
Great post, Jackson 🙂 I appreciate the enthusiasm here!
This was a very interesting blog to read. I have to say, I’m not very well versed in fighting or battle techniques but the in-depth and elaborate schemes you described were very helpful. I really liked how they made the blog understandable for everyone, even if you don’t completely understand the logistics of fighting. Also, your enthusiasm and passion for the blog topic shines through. From the idiomatic language to the exclamation marks, it was very clear you really know and really love what you are writing about. That being said, I have a few doubts. I agree that rats are small, but small in large numbers can be fatal. Are you really sure about taking on 782 rats at the same time? I think, perhaps, this might be overkill. Also, wolves are really strong, really heavy and have both sharp claws and teeth. They are quite deadly. Beating them in a one-on-one battle will be extremely difficult. The inclusion of the dodo bird might be bending the rules: I was under the assumption that the animals had to be alive. Since they aren’t alive, you cannot fight them, and if no fight occurs, no one emerges victorious. Otherwise, this was really fun to read!
I wasn’t sure if it would be possible, but this list is even better than your previous one. These fights would be both entertaining for a viewer and challenging for you, so I think that we have a good mix for these fights. I did have a few notes to make on a few of these epic battles. For one, alligators can run up to 35 mph, meaning that in our small 50 foot box you will have nowhere to run when it comes after you. Even if you did run, it would catch up to you in seconds. Jackson, I’m sorry to say, but this fight is going to be a tough one. Alligators are very strong and while not as formidable as crocodiles, are still very deadly. On the positive side, they only prey on easy prey like small mammals or fish, so I think that you have an advantage over it because it will not be used to fighting larger animals. They also have very weak muscles to open their jaws, so if you crab onto it’s mouth it won’t be able to hurt you. As for the other animals, I think they would all be very interesting and fair fights. The rats may give you some trouble though, as you will be fighting hundreds of pounds of pure bloodthirsty rat. As a goose fighting expert, I can confidently say that you would beat a goose in a fight. In fact, you might need to add more geese to make the fight more interesting and last longer. Overall, these fights sound epic and I would love to see them.
I liked reading your post. It was creative, energetic, and quite entertaining. Your list of animals includes a wide variety, some of which I have never even heard of. For example, I have never heard of a raccoon dog. I appreciated the attention to detail on how exactly you plan to take down these animals. However, while I don’t in any way doubt your fighting abilities, there are a couple of animals on this list that I believe probably no human has the capability of beating with their bare hands. One of which is a wolf. For instance, wolves have powerful jaws and large canine teeth. The bite force of a wolf is 400 pounds per square inch. On top of that they are capable of running up to 37 miles per hour to pursue their prey. Furthermore, you mentioned that the animal is enraged and will fight to the end. An enraged wolf would be pretty impossible to stop without any weapons. I also found it interesting you chose to fight against 782 rats. I think 782 rats would be pretty hard to beat. An army of 782 enraged rats equipped with sharp claws and teeth sounds horrifying. Overall, this was a very thought-provoking post, and I’m very invested in what kind of battles you will write about next.