A Reflection and a Thank You

It’s strange to me that the smallest things can add up to a large part of my life. From the first day of senior year, a light shade of sky blue began to make its grand reappearance. This appearance was swift, quickly becoming as strong in my life as bold red, strong enough to balance it out.

For a long time, warm colors were enough for me. I was comfortable around shades of red and orange and yellow and I didn’t feel the need to deviate. But from that very first day, I was entranced by this cool shade of blue. I was almost jealous of its ability to cut through any sort of tension like a knife. It didn’t care about what others would say, although blue is an easy color to love anyway. The color blue taught me the one thing I could never learn before- how to speak without being spoken to. I was thrilled by its sharpness, its unconventional appearances, the way this shade stays days after it’s gone.

Blue did not lighten me but instead, contrasted me in a way that made both of us stand out. When blue is present, I feel like I can do anything as long as I truly want it. However, I learned to find blue even when its embodiment was far from me.

Soon enough, every small thing in my life began to bring me back to blue.

That one blue nail polish, my (*YOUR) floral skirt, french pastries, polaroids. I thought about dyeing the blonde streaks in my hair a light blue. You found a way to make my y2k playlist remind me of you because you’re the only one who can tolerate listening to Promiscuous anytime we enter a car. It is God who paints the skies for us every day, but the pastel colors streaked in the sky inevitably remind me of you.

I even find myself in situations wondering what you would do. Your outgoingness used to take me by surprise, but now, I’m used to it and it’s become a part of me. You led me to ask questions about things that I’ve never really given thought to in the past. Are people more similar than I’ve always thought? Is it so terrifying that the only opinions that matter are the ones from people you care about? Who do I care about?

I remember how we could talk for hours about the smallest things like how your eyes were reflecting light a certain way or the structure of my hands. I love how we can remember things from middle school and talk about them like they just happened because it feels like they did. It feels like I’ve known you forever but it also feels like I learn something new every day from you. I don’t know why or how, but I know that the affinity for finding beauty in everything is something that will stick with me. Or at least I’ll try to make sure it does because currently, it’s something that makes my life what it is.

There is a blue outline on the composition of my year. But is this all temporary? Maybe it’s senioritis but everything seems so very temporary this year. Maybe that’s why I’m happier, but maybe that’s why I’m not. But I’m not scared; although we probably will end up in very different places, your shade will linger permanently, as it does in the minds of everyone who sets their gaze upon it. Blue has given me the means to be comfortable in any setting, as long as I am myself. I’m comfortable with myself.

I used to constantly wonder what I did to deserve your presence, or for that matter, anyone’s presence. I realized that I might never find the answer to that, but I don’t care. Thank you for being my friend and bringing your shade back into my life. Thank you for reminding me that I deserve peace. Thank you for existing as the boldest and most truthful version of yourself.