As a preface to the blog post you’re about to read, know that I did not draft this on a Google Docs and I instead went straight into writing it into the post draft thing on our dashboards. Y’all know the one. I’m also unabashedly writing this at two am, and I’m doing what I do best when I’m at loss for what I’m supposed to post: I kind of overshare/talk about myself in a way that I hope is vaguely funny and doesn’t encapsulate the energy of a millennial trying to interact with Gen-Z in a logistically “cool” way. Shoutout to Quana for instilling that fear in me,

That being said, let’s delve into the stages of what it’s like to be on a phone/video call with me when it starts to span the timeframe of at least two hours or more.

 

stage one: the main quest

So this is the point in the phone call where both parties actually address the reasons the call was initiated in the first place. Whether it be to answer some AP Chem questions (someday I will do a post breaking down what goes on in my blog for this class and I guarantee that a lot of it will be me bemoaning my existence in relation to AP Chem), sending a California buddy off to her basketball game, or getting deeply emotional for the senior existence. This will generally take up the first half hour of the call, and then the call should over.

stage two: side quests begin

Yeah, the call doesn’t really end. I’m pretty shoddy at that. I think we all know what the word shoddy is meant to be a substitute word for. It’s at this point in the call that I start going on Instagram and sending whoever I’m talking to posts that I think they’ll relate to. I’ll also start bringing up literally anything that doesn’t relate to what we originally got on the call for, and the second/third parties of the call generally begin doing things that I know aren’t related to what we started talking for. Reading Webtoons. Making Pasta Chips. Watering Plants.

stage three: i contemplate feeding myself and i make it Everyone’s Problem

Usually deeply encourage by the fact that the person I’m on a call with is probably also snacking/making food, I start debating as to whether or not I dare to venture downstairs to acquire some form of sustenance for myself. Most of the main points discouraging me will either be the presence of my parents, or the lack of my parents’ presence. My parents being present usually mean that some form of K-Drama will be playing in the background of whatever it is that I will be doing to feed myself (ie heating up chocolate lava cake) and my father will once again establish the fact that he’s just Cooler Than Me Like That. The lack of my parents being present usually mean that they’ve gone to bed and therefore the entire house is silent and all the lights are off and I run the risk of testing the theory of ghosts’ existence if I go downstairs.

My debate as to whether or not I should get myself is a snack is anything but internal. I will voice this dilemma out loud, and I will be doing so with the same energy I have when I ask my friends at school if they have any food on them.

stage four: i contemplate lying down when i shouldn’t and i make it Everyone’s Problem

This is more of an AP Chem video call stage of existence for me, but it happens nonetheless. Fatigue is getting to me. I am no longer sure Why I Exist. It’s not really my bedtime, but I should be entering Phase One of my bimodal sleep schedule, but I am not. It is here that whoever I’m on the call with has to discourage me from lying down for “just a minute” because I can and will fall asleep on the phone call. I’ve had my name changed in groupchats to “asleep?” for a reason.

It’s also at this point in the post that I realize I could make a whole blog post about the experience of being asleep on phone calls and why that can be as enlightening as it is, so maybe you guys will see that in two weeks’ time.

stage five: …how do i end this call?

I could be in a few different headspaces at this stage. I could either actually, really, and truly be falling asleep. I could be at total loss as to what to say next. I could be coughing because I’ve been laughing too much and now my throat is sore. Either way, things are getting a little awkward, kinda dicey, and I lowkey want to say bye but I think it’ll be rude. There’s going to be a lot of rehashing of stuff we’ve already gone over during the phone call, but we’ll still laugh over it anyways.

stage six: ………

At this point, we’re both quiet. So we’re doing our own things and kind of treating this like it’s a group study session over the phone, but we’re not actually studying. I’m probably updating myself on the news via my most trusted and Certainly Not Questionable Three T’s: TikToke, Tumblr, and Twitter. This is somewhat satirical. The person I’m on the call with could actually be studying, or they could be making pasta chips, or reading a Webtoon, or doing whatever it is that people in Iowa do.

stage seven: impromptu bahasa indonesia 101

At some point during the call, my parents can and will pop into my room to check on me. Not much of an explanation needed, I generally end up responding in BI rather than in English – although on one occasion, I was actually asleep on the call (and pretending not to be) and my father somehow got a response from one of the two people I was on the call with.

 

If you’ve reached this far on the post, congrats! You win… not a sticker, but my general very impressed vibes because a lot of this is less very deep contemplations about the universe and more of what I’d print on a PSA business card to hand out to people when they want to take matters into their own hands because I’m awful at responding to texts.