NYT Writing Prompt Number 237: Are We Losing the Art of Listening?
Short Answer? Yes.
As a person who has been told that I have a lot of things to say, I found this prompt particularly compelling among the sea of other thought-provoking prompts. As much as I would like to say that the collective “we” of society have not let go of this crucial facet of conversation-making, of existence in general, (if “we” are really trying to be pretentious), I would be lying to myself if I did.
Teenagers might be the most guilty of not listening. Growing up in a world of technology has created a landscape of phone addiction. I am not saying that Millennials, Gen X, and beyond have not harbored an affinity for their portable devices, they have, however, generally it is not the centerpiece of their interpersonal lives. My mom doesn’t know how half of the apps on her phone work, and she texts people to arrange times to meet in person. On the other hand, I have arranged the apps on my phone into neat folders of decreasing importance and regularly rely on texting and calling as a primary means of communication. My mom forgets where she puts her phone, and I am never with it, fighting the urge to check it in the middle of a conversation when I hear the buzz of a notification.
It is socially acceptable to glance down at a phone during the middle of a conversation, expected even of teenagers. While there are occurrences in which notifications might take precedence over real-life conversation, the vast majority of those notifications are of meager importance. The moment someone takes out their phone during a conversation, their attention is diverted. They are no longer listening to the speaker, that is an extremely invalidating feeling. I can personally attest to the disappointment I have felt while talking to someone, pulling out their phone mid-conversation to look at a notification, putting it back, and saying “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
When I read this prompt, I immediately thought of a Ted Talk given by Celeste Headlee, a radio journalist, and public speaker. (Watch it here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1vskiVDwl4 ) Her talk centered on 10 specific ways to have better, more meaningful conversations. Her most important tip is listening. Humans can interpret more information when they listen versus when they are talking, and thus the easier option is just to speak. In my favorite line of the talk, Headlee explains, “… it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone. But if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation. You’re just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.”
I think that this quote gets to the core of the issue for me. I often fall into the trap of blabbing my head off in order to fill uncomfortable silences. If my blabbing sparks some interesting topic of conversation, I will be thinking about what I want to say next. The moment I do that, I stop listening and have become a person shouting barely related sentences. Such occurrences occur outside the realm of my personal life. One of the most glaring examples of the situation Headlee describes is Socratic seminars. Over the course of my high school career, I have yet to be in a Socratic seminar that feels like an actual conversation. People come in with their list of notes and page numbers and will find a place to insert their pre-prepared statement even if it only vaguely relates to the actual topic of the conversation. As long as it gets them their points they are happy. I fear that this is the trend conversations are steering towards. Less of a marketplace of thoughts and ideas, more of a podium to say your piece. The conversation is the vector of understanding and finding a middle ground. That is something that cannot be lost just because people find listening to take too much effort.
Oh my gosh Willow, I truly envy the way you write! You have such a distinct voice that shines through when you discuss merely anything that is of interest to you or that you are passionate about, it makes reading far more entertaining! Anyways, I strongly concur with what you had to say especially the part where you mention how disheartened you get when you are in mid-conversation with someone and they are distracted from their phone and don’t respond to your question, that has to be one of my top three biggest pet peeves. In any case, I’m so glad you chose this prompt to discuss because I feel this is a topic that is uncommonly scrutinized. With Gen Z being one of the only generations that grew up with technology at our fingertips, I feel we are so blindsided from what the real world has to offer. There have been plenty of times where I have said I wish I didn’t grow up with technology and at times I take that back but the majority of times where I say it, I mean it. Social media is a cruel place and frequently I notice I have to pull myself back into reality and realize most of the things that I am viewing are unrealistic and fake! Thankfully though few Gen Z “celebrities” have slowly been starting to express their vulnerability which is crucial for the younger generation to see! I hope the few celebrities that are publicly communicating their struggles and them in their raw form influences more people with a platform to do the same. We need to protect the younger generation! Lastly, I’m very intrigued by the Ted Talk you disclosed. Thank you for the suggestion, I definitely need to give it a listen because this topic has sparked many opinions I didn’t know I had! Awesome work 🙂
Willow!! Wow, this was honestly breathtaking and written just so beautifully that your voice sounds beyond your years. While reading your blog, I just felt embarrassed, indignant, and moved because everything you said I completely agree with. I am definitely part of the problem, easily resorting back to my phone, losing interest in those around me in favor of “listening” to my phone as though it is more important. More than anything, I am not proud of doing so, and hearing how others feel when friends choose technology over each other is a feeling I hope to never inspire in my loved ones. Hearing from your piece, I feel inspired to make people feel more important and more importantly, listened to. In fact, I believe part of the issue with loneliness in this day and age is that none of us are truly alone, it’s just that technology has eroded our genuine social interactions and has left us with more shallow interactions that need to change. AND ENERGY! This is such a good point that not enough people focus on. Maintaining a natural and meaningful conversation is not as easy as others would think and we all have to hold ourselves responsible for combatting these real-world issues. Thank you for sharing your honest and real thoughts, I really enjoyed hearing them! Jackie
Willow, everything you said was so on point. I really liked how you mentioned that it is socially acceptable to look at a notification on your phone while someone is talking. I never really thought of it that way but you are absolutely right. I admit that I am guilty of this, and I try to always flip over my phone when I deem a conversation important. In general, if the conversation is basic and just a regular talk, I never really saw the issue with a quick glance until reading your post. Your post brings a new perspective to the conversations I have with others, and kind of confirms my worries. From personal experience and from my observations of life around me, I can definitely see the changes to a new style of conversation and the troubling consequences in response. You write beautifully, and I am jealous of your ease with words. Especially at the conclusion of your post, the line relating to conversations as “Less of a marketplace of thoughts and ideas, more of a podium to say your piece.” really struck me and was a perfect analogy. Hopefully, there are more people in our generation willing to fight for real discussion.
Such an interesting post, and it seems to have resonated! I make an effort to just put my phone somewhere else when I need to concetrate or have a conversation. I’ve turned off all notifications except for texts.