I’m so excited for college. I got into 9 out of the 11 schools, including my top 2 schools. I think I already know where I want to go but I’m scared that it will be just another Naperville bubble. I know that I can find people who are similar in the way I think there but I don’t want to leave college feeling like I have no life long friends. I’m mostly nervous about college because of the people. I don’t want to hate everyone and I don’t want everyone to piss me off just by their presence. I’m ready to be surrounded by more mature people and I’m scared if I go to this particular college that I will hate it because of the people. It’s the perfect college for me, 3 hours away, very well known and it’s one of the big ten schools. I could see myself there just looking at the pictures. 

Sadly, it doesn’t have a riding team but I can always just go to the rec center 6 times a week if I have time. Maybe I could use a break from riding, I’ve been doing it since I was 5 and it’s literally ALL I know. I feel like I need to give myself a break, especially after this season. My horse and I won everything, I mean literally everything, and it’s way more than I ever asked for. During the season we were the Non-Pro and Children’s hunter champion and now once the season is over and all of our points have added up we are grand junior hunter champion for the full year of 2019. We also won our whole equitation division. ( I don’t expect anyone to understand anything I just said)

I think that after a stressful season and many other seasons before, I deserve a few years off. Maybe it will be good for me and I will learn more about myself. I will have more time to socialize and focus on school which will be a big change because riding has taken over my social life but I’m not complaining. 

I’m excited to go tour the school and see if I feel like I would fit in. I’m planning on touring all of the schools I’ve gotten into, to make sure it is the environment I want to be in. I’m trying not to get my hopes up with the schools that I really like because I’m nervous that ill go and then end up hating the school and finding something about it that doesn’t fit me. 

I got a $20,000 riding scholarship from a D1 riding school and I feel stupid because I don’t know if I want to take it. I love the school but I don’t think it will be the best place for me. I don’t want to say the name of any of the schools because I don’t know where I’m going yet so I don’t feel like it’s that important.  

I have learned so much throughout this college experience. I never thought that I would end up being okay to go to a school that doesn’t have a riding team. The person I was a few months ago would probably slap the person I am now. 

I know now that it’s okay to leave a path you have been on for years to follow your heart and go to a place that fits you. I know that I will have to make more sacrifices in order to go to the best school for me. 

Anyone who is reading this I want you to know that it is okay to lose something if it means that you will be going to the right place for you. And just know that eventually, that important thing in your life that you lost will come back. 

Everyone is watching me, judging and talking about me behind my back. I bounce my leg up and down fast to get some of my nerves out, but it never works. I walk fast through halls and don’t make eye contact. Big groups of people scare me. I try to clean my room and I don’t know if I should start with the clothes on the ground, make my bed, or the empty water bottles on my nightstand. Everything is overwhelming and I don’t know what to do. My food is not allowed to touch and if I go to an Italian restaurant and the menu is in cursive I get stressed. The more things that give me this feeling the more I shake and my eyes begin to water. I can’t breathe. My chest gets tight and I can’t move. My anxiety has taken over and my reality is gone. 

I have always had very bad anxiety. It controlled every aspect of my life and dictated what I would do and who I would interact with. I felt like I was hiding every day from being myself because anything I would do gave me anxiety. Sometimes I would isolate myself and other times I would have an attitude as a defense mechanism. I tried to hide my feelings so no one would know what I was struggling with. My anxiety would get so bad that I would cancel plans last minute because I was scared to go out and be around a bunch of people. Many people told me that my anxiety was not an excuse and I should stop blaming my problems on it. When people say that, not only does it hurt but they don’t know what it is like. People without anxiety don’t know what it is like to be a prisoner to yourself. 

Some people say anxiety is not an excuse and that people should not blame their problems on their anxiety. Lauren Jo Sypniewski made it very clear in her article, Stop Using Your Mental Diagnosis As An Excuse, that people need to stop using their mental diagnosis as a way to get out of things. She says, “Every person possesses free will or agency or the ability to make choices or whatever you’d like to term the phenomenon. This means — shocker — that you are in control of your life and the actions that set your life in motion”. Well — shocker — it’s not that easy. You can’t just wake up and be like “oh I’m not going to have anxiety today because well, I just don’t feel like it”. Or even look at something and think about something that gives you anxiety and say “LOL screw that!” No that’s not how it works. Over time you can learn how to deal with anxiety and other mental health problems but you will never be able to move on with a snap of your fingers. 

If things are going great and your handling everything that would normally give you anxiety really well, something could trigger it and bring you back to the starting line. I have become much better at controlling my anxiety instead of letting it control me, but every once in awhile it gets really bad to the point where I’m canceling plans and trying to get out of going to school. I have pushed myself to go out and socialize with people even though people are what gives me the most anxiety. Sometimes it works and I have fun, but other times it’s too much and I break down as I’m heading home. 

Mental illness does not have a button that you can press to make it turn off. It takes time to learn how to overcome it. Anxiety is an excuse because why cause yourself to have more anxiety when you can take your time to learn how to control it in your own way. Saying that mental health is not an excuse is easy for someone to say that doesn’t have any issues. Society needs to be more empathetic for those with anxiety because they don’t know what it is like and how much we struggle. 

There have been countless of times my friends and family have told me that my anxiety was not a big deal and that I just had to get over it. When they said that, it made me feel like I had to hide this terrible thing about myself. Now I only talk about my anxiety to people I really trust because I’m scared of how others will react. I have been burned by criticism about my anxiety from others, and I would never wish that on anyone else. I wished everyone was more understanding and supportive for years. I know that if I had more support systems I’m my life for my anxiety growing up, it would not have been as bad as it once was. 

How will criticizing someone’s anxiety make it better? Let me tell you a little secret. Judging someone’s anxiety and telling them that it is not a reason for something will not make it any better. People need to be more supportive of those with anxiety because an unnecessary opinion will not decrease their anxiety. If our society was more understanding of anxiety then maybe fewer people would have anxiety problems. 

The article It’s OK to Have Anxiety, explains how having anxiety is natural and something that should be embraced. Michael Hendrick says, “It’s OK to feel like you’re about to explode from panic and it’s OK to have to leave a situation if it makes you uncomfortable.” Removing yourself out of a situation to stop yourself from having anxiety is okay. Why would someone go to a party if it will just give them anxiety rather than them having fun? We are only in this world for so long, and life shouldn’t be filled with anxiety controlling you. But until you learn how to cope with anxiety it is okay to back out of plans last minute if it will decrease your anxiety. 

Anxiety is very difficult to live with. Many people don’t understand how it works or the feeling. There are many obstacles that will increase someone’s anxiety, and it takes time for everyone with anxiety to learn how to deal with it in the best way for them. So instead of judging and pushing people with anxiety, people need to be more empathetic. Try and put yourself in their shoes and help them through their journey of control over their anxiety. It just makes anxiety worse when someone says “get over it” or “it’s not that big of a deal, your fine”. 

Instead of making people feel alone and ashamed of their anxiety and any other mental diagnosis, we all need to show more support and help them. The more we embrace anxiety and other mental illnesses, the more we can help people struggling in our society. The more understanding people are to anxiety, the quicker someone can learn to control their anxiety. People with anxiety will no longer feel alone. They will feel like others care about them even with a mental illness. Society’s empathy can help people process their anxiety. Empathy and support can save someone from their anxiety. 

As bad as my anxiety is, I am grateful for how it has molded me into the person I am today. I am extremely paranoid, but that makes me think before I act much more than someone else. I have grown so much with my anxiety, and I have learned how to control it. I have such a great support system for my anxiety and I know that I can count on my family and friends to get me out of my head. I sympathize with those who are struggling alone or with others. It is okay to have anxiety and it is okay to struggle and be afraid of it. Anxiety is just another feature in us that makes us human. 

https://suindependent.com/stop-using-mental-diagnosis-excuse/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/its-ok-to-have-anxiety/

As humans, we have the idea that we need to be good enough for others in order to live a happy life. This poison spreads throughout our society as more and more people cast a shadow on who they really are. It’s more important to be enough for ourselves then enough for someone else. My dad taught me how to be enough for myself, by telling me all the ways I’m not enough for him.

 Growing up, my dad was never there. He may have been there physically and financially, but never in the ways a father should be. I never had a meaningful relationship with him, but once he cheated on my mom and got a divorce, the thought of having a relationship with his daughter sounded like a good idea. After the divorce, I was constantly told I was never good enough. No matter what I did, I was never smart enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough. Even as his own daughter, I was never enough. 

I have never received unconditional love from my dad. His love always came with a price that I can’t pay. Unconditional love should never come at a price. I can not change who I am, and I refuse to be like him. Deep down, my father is very insecure and does not believe he is good enough. I don’t want to pay the price of people I love to earn the prize of feeling better about myself. My mom, struggling to pay bills, puts my brother and I first and continues to pay for my equestrian lifestyle because she knows how much commitment and love I have for the sport, horses, and competing. I have watched my mom struggle, yet I’m enough for her and receive her unconditional love. My dad has everything he wants yet I will never be enough for him and be unconditionally loved by him. 

The same behavior can be seen in our society. The people who have little to nothing appreciate others and the little things so much more, while the people who have everything say the little things are not enough. What humans need to realize is that the only people we need to be good enough for is ourselves. We can not unconditionally love someone unless we love ourselves — our whole selves, and every flaw. People like my father have a deeper issue, the internal battle of their insecurities. They do not believe they are good enough, so they do not accept others for who they are. The most important thing that I have learned from my father is that no, I will never be good enough for everyone, but it makes me realize the only important people in my life are those who I am enough for. As much as I have struggled with my dad, I have learned so much. I have learned who I am and have had to grow up very quickly at a young age. 

Throughout high school, I never believed I was good enough. I always thought people would never accept me, just like my dad. As the years progressed, I have become more confident in myself and who I am as a person. I’m proud to walk around school wearing Motley Crue and Def Leppard shirts and be my clumsy, ditzy self. I have learned to laugh and love myself. I have learned to focus on being enough for myself rather than being enough for others in class. I am good enough. Maybe not for my dad, but for myself. I love myself unconditionally. Not everyone will think I’m good enough, and not everyone will love me unconditionally, but that’s how our universe works. It makes the people who think of us as their universe so much better.