It’s been 17 years and I still can’t bring myself to be ecstatic about birthdays. The opportunity to eat cake is great and all, but every year, it’s overshadowed with unusual pressures and expectations. I see friends and family count down till their birthdays, reminding everyone around them of the upcoming festivity. They savor that day, relishing in the love and attention that they receive.
But for me, my birthday has never been as perfect as it seems to be for other people. I’m not sure if I’m the only one that relates to this (it would be really awkward if I was), but I always find myself in a weird mood by the end of the day. I always make the same mistake of subliminally having unreachable expectations for the day that only emerge once they haven’t been met. Everything seems great at first until a pestering thought rots my brain. A single question of why a certain person didn’t wish me or what someone meant when they said something lingers eternally. One moment I’m grateful, and the next, I’m overthinking everything I was once grateful for.
Well, my birthday’s in 4 months, so how I handle the abnormal amounts of attention and doubt will be a problem for later. The spark for this reflection on birthdays comes because my older brother’s birthday is on November 16th. Anyone that knows me well knows my connection with my brother; I don’t think he’ll ever read this blog, so I can admit that he’s the funniest person I know. Much of my knowledge of the world comes from him, and I would’ve made a hundred more mistakes if it weren’t for his constant advice. Just as he has guided me through different aspects of life, he unknowingly is teaching me another lesson: how to see birthdays more positively.
It struck me recently that my brother, Jay, has an inspiring way to view birthdays. Every time we’re celebrating for anyone, he’ll always ask them the same question: “What are your goals for the next year?” At first, this may seem like a daunting and unrelated question. I didn’t really understand why he did it at first, but it’s beginning to make more sense. Here’s some context: If there’s one thing Jay stands by, it’s the idea of self-talk. He’s lectured me about it time and time again, emphasizing how important it is to communicate positively with yourself. Simply removing phrases like “I’m going to fail this test” or “There’s no way I can do _____” and replacing them with “I’m going to do my best on this test” or “I can do ______” has drastically changed how he views the world, and I believe it. I’ve seen how he’s become increasingly more confident and ambitious, just with this change of perspective. The reason why he asks people the question is to get them to think ambitiously, and look forward. Although your birthday shouldn’t be the only time you think of your goals, it can serve as a hopeful reinforcement of what you plan on achieving.
Upon seeing my brother’s inspiring take on birthdays, it offered me some solace for the negative connotation that I had been placing on birthdays, specifically my own. A birthday doesn’t have to be about people wishing you, or having some extravagant party and receiving gifts; it can also be a day of personal celebration. With every year that passes, you can take time out to reflect on the ups and downs, but more importantly, appreciate the position that you’re in. Once you have a strong sense of the present, the future will look much brighter.
Not only did the question ritual help me appreciate birthdays more, but merely thinking of my brother’s birthday helped lighten up the occasion. As he turns 23, I can’t help but be proud of all that he has accomplished- not only academically, but personally as well. From another perspective, I now understand why people enjoy birthdays so much; celebrating the people you love and being with them is exciting in itself. I know that I’m definitely looking forward to smearing cake all over Jay’s face this weekend, and of course, asking him the age-old question, but I’m also optimistic about what is yet to come.
I find this post so relatable. I feel like there’s always so much pressure from my parents, sister, and friends bugging me about how I want to spend my birthday, except I could always care less about it. This causes me to feel so much expectations about my birthday, that I didn’t even have in the first place. I feel like it’s just so much better to keep an open mind about your birthday and not expect too much out of it.
I really like the goal-making view your brother has on birthdays. It’s like making a New Year’s resolution, or at least a reminder of it. It gives you some sort of purpose or reminds you of your goal, which as you said, fosters reflection and allows you to improve as a person.
Anyways, thanks for this inspiring post. I hope you had fun celebrating with your brother!
I’m relieved that someone relates to this! I definitely agree that it’s better to have an open mind in general, and not have so many expectations in life, but that’s much easier said than done. It’s nice to have people like my brother to look up to though, his perspective on life pushes me to self-reflect and grow more, which I love.
I really enjoyed this post. Like you, I’ve always had conflicted feelings about birthdays but, also like you, I have an older brother who is very enlightening. Usually I would worry so much about what my birthday party should be like that I choose to not have one at all, or I feel like I would inconvenience my parents if they had the burden of hosting. My brother kind of changed my viewpoint: he didn’t need to plan anything to have a good birthday. If he’s in town, he hangs out with his friends here and we go to a family dinner maybe. And if he’s out of town, well then, who knows how his friends choose to celebrate. Even then, only the people who are there matter.
Anyway, I really liked how your brother uses the question to frame your outlook on life, and his practice of positive self-talk. It’s definitely a good way to look at life, offering, like Kelly said, purpose and therefore self-improvement. Thanks for sharing, and I’ll for sure be starting my own self-talk project!
It’s nice to have older siblings to look to for guidance, and most of the time, they seem to teach us without realizing that they are. I’ve been trying to work on my positive self-talk as well, and simple thoughts of reassurance have made a huge difference.