My Actual 2 A.M. Thoughts

In the sixth grade, Mr. Nelson, my Language Arts teacher, had us present on a topic that we were interested in researching. I chose the topic of sleep deprivation, finding various articles that warned of the horrendous effects of sleep debt on one’s physical and mental well-being.

I pulled an all-nighter to finish that project.

Back then, I thought sleeping at midnight was late. When I looked in the mirror, I gaped at the dark circles under my eyes, searching the aisles at CVS for any concealer that would make me look more presentable. Some days, my dad would drive me to school, and I would be knocked out from the second we reversed out of the driveway until the moment he shook me awake at the front entrance of Jefferson Junior High School.

My eighth grade Language Arts teacher made us keep a daily sleep log to track the hours we slept every night. Six, six, six-and-a-half, four, five, six, the list went on. Entering high school, I began keeping a mental tab, and I watched as my mental count of the number of hours continued to dwindle.

I guess I was slightly surprised, but not terribly shocked upon hearing that one of my acquaintances told their friends that I “needed to get my life together.” To a certain degree, yeah, I did need to. But also, there was something about the hours after midnight that would resonate within me, as I would sip my coffee and create a new Spotify playlist to finish my AP World homework. 

Something within me awakened when everybody else went to sleep. There was no one to talk to, no distracting conversations left in sight. The quiet was rich, all-encompassing, but most of all, peaceful. Between moments of inner panic and internal screaming (why am I up again at 4 A.M.), I never felt more like myself than when I would keep myself company at night. Then again, maybe I’m just telling myself that.

Sometimes, I feel scared. Isolated from others, alone with my own thoughts, feeling like there’s a presence surrounding me that I can’t quite put my finger on. I don’t know how to describe it. When I finally curl up in my bed after I’ve finished a day’s work, sometimes I’ll stay up for another hour or two simply to prevent the next day from starting. Time slows down. I’m in the grace period between today and tomorrow, and quite honestly, I enjoy it.

At the moment, I’m still getting my life together. Though, I don’t see sleep as a weakness anymore. My capability to stay up past the ungodly hours of the morning is no longer my defining feature. 

I can appreciate a good night’s sleep and I would recommend it to you as well. For the sake of your physical and mental well-being, prioritize your own health and head off to bed at a reasonable hour. I say this as a renowned specialist in sleep deprivation; after all, I did my fair share of research six years ago. Don’t let my sixth-grade project go to waste!

Even if you stay up, be patient and understanding with yourself. To be honest, I might be awake as well. Start counting your sheep and drinking your chamomile tea. 

GET SOME SLEEP.