*Disclaimer* I was adopted from China! This blog was inspired by Haley Cush’s, Neil Xu’s, and Gabby Hammond’s blogs, “The Six Types of Black/Asian/White Kids You’ll Meet in Naperville,” and is also meant to be a satirical piece. This blog is in no way meant to mock adopted children.

Me and my parents, 2012

 

The Prince/Princess

The parents of the prince/princess do not spare expenses when it comes to indulging in their child– after all, they don’t know their biological parents, might as well buy them a Birkin bag to make up for it! Princes/Princesses are most likely to be found still receiving an allowance at age 20, while they major in philosophy at a small, liberal arts college. They probably participates in a frou-frou sport, such as golf or equestrianism, and on a typical Tuesday night, can be found writing in their bullet journal (with their multi-colored calligraphy pens, which were charged to dad’s credit card) and sipping a Starbucks Reserve drink that costs more than an entire McDonald’s meal. Although the prince/princess will certainly receive a college degree, it’s likely they’ll end up being a wedding planner or something. Oh yeah, and they want to adopt kids when they’re older, just like they’re parents did.

 

Chip on His/Her Shoulder

Although this one may act as though everyone is out to get them, don’t be put off by their sour and abrasive demeanor. The real reason why they’re so bitter is because they were adopted, and have major abandonment issues as a result; they aren’t purposely trying to be rude. The Chip will often use their adoption as an excuse to treat others badly, and can be found in the corner of a room, staring broodily into the distance. Although they may have parents similar to the Prince’s/Princess’, it still won’t make up for the fact that they were abandoned as a child, which will result in several years’ worth of therapy in their later lives. The Chip will end up working in a desk job, and probably won’t even bother decorating their work cubicle.

 

The Uncultured Swine

This is a more rare case when the parents of a child are a different race as the child. For example, my parents are white and I’m Asian, so as a result, I don’t understand a lot of Chinese culture (thus the title). The Swine can be found making racially insensitive jokes, and will likely not take measures to rectify their ignorance. Because the Swine is not knowledgeable about their culture, they are insecure, as well as secretly jealous of every kid who grew up able to experience their culture firsthand, whether it be by food, language, traditions, etc. The Swine will end up working with children, and will spend their free time silently judging the parents of the children he/she works with.

 

The Hopeless Romantic

This person will tell anyone who listens that the only reason they were put up for adoption is because they’re the long-lost son/daughter of ______________(enter a famous person’s name here). Although the Romantic is not in denial about being adopted, they refuse to accept that their biological parents are probably just average Joe’s. In Kindergarten, the Romantic likely whined about not being awarded the best macaroni collage: everything the Romantic does must be validated. After all, their parents are actually famous, they must be recognized as special in some way. The Romantic can be found at a bar counter, talking themselves up as the football game is playing, earning themselves nothing but a few shhhhh’s from their peers. Much like the Swine, the Romantic is also insecure in that they don’t want to accept the fact that they are completely normal.

 

The Obsessive

This one will stop at nothing to find his/her biological parents. In high school biology, they probably bombarded the teacher with so many questions about chromosomes and genetics, you’d think they were having a nervous episode. Ask them if they’ve ever thought about finding their biological parents, and the answer will surely be yes. Unlike the Swine and the Romantic, the Obsessive is not insecure, nor are they in denial, they just want to know where their DNA came from. The Obsessive is likely to major in science, and will end up doing research on DNA or chromosomes. They can probably be found spitting into a tube to send their DNA to 23 and Me or Ancestry.com.

 

The Oblivious One

Otherwise known as “the one who still doesn’t know.” Thankfully, this could never happen to me, because my parents are both white, and there’s no way they could have told me we were biologically related. If one were to as The Oblivious One why they didn’t look like they’re parents they would likely shrug, and say she looked more like her great-aunt once removed. The Oblivious One is either completely unaware that they were adopted, or suspects, but does not want to know the truth. The Oblivious One will probably never ask their parents if they were adopted, and will have a relatively normal life.

 

Well folks, those are all six types of adopted kids you’ll meet! Once again, this piece was not written with the intention of hurting anyone’s feelings. Personally, I think being the process of adoption is wonderful, and that more people ought to look into it as an option, not just a last-resort for if a couple can’t conceive biological children. While this piece may be very difficult for you to relate to if you’re not adopted, I hope it helps you understand some of the struggles adopted kids have to go through.