**Preface: This was all written before any school cancellations, any pandemic business. Most of these sentiments have been amplified/re-manifested as a result of covid-19 (part 2…?)
A favorite of Trow’s, this mantra has begun to haunt me a little. As the countdown to graduation grows nearer and nearer, I can’t help but wonder: am I doing this right?
We all knew this was coming–kind of. We all knew going into senior year that it was going to close out with graduation, with navy caps in the air and half-smoked cigars strewn across the football field. Yet, inevitably, nothing can really prepare us for the end. My solution, as it’s always been, is to take everything one day at a time.
Most of the time, this is just how my brain operates on autopilot. When left to its own devices, it knows to just shut down the long-term area and focus on the next thing. I know that zooming out my lens and actually thinking hard and mapping out my future is a task too ominous and panic-inducing that I would drown in the big picture. I would question all my past choices, regret things I didn’t do, regret things I did do, and ultimately, I would leave this internal debrief feeling full of remorse, self-pity, and anxiety–no resolution. I don’t think I could fully make peace with myself, and it’s such a huge, looming, daunting task that I am just going to keep pushing it off until I feel like I have the emotional capacity to deal with it (right now, it feels like that day will never come).
So here we are. One day at a time. It helps that I’m able to keep myself busy, mostly with track, airband, scholastic bowl, church, and a million other things that magically fill in my calendar. I told my dad, “No college talk until the end of March. I don’t want to deal with it until then”. To my surprise, he received it well. “Do what you want then*”, he said (*until the end of March, he later clarified). I’ve been pretty successful in following through on that. But as the end of March approaches, I feel the panic begin to set in.
What is a waste of time, and what isn’t? What am I supposed to be doing with the rest of my time? What experiences should I be chasing? Am I going to look back at this period of my life and find all my current priorities vapid and insignificant? Am I wasting my energy on my current activities (airband) when I should be focusing on tasks that could actually impact my future (scholarship applications)? Because maybe I’m getting some enjoyment from these things at the moment, but wouldn’t I enjoy $5000 less of student debt to pay off 5 years in the future? What if I’m trapped by my immature, senioritis-ridden, carpe diem 17-year-old brain and I look back at how I wasted my youth?
All my questioning really just compounds by the fear of time ticking by. I don’t feel it constantly, because the in-the-moment part of my brain has made me numb to the overwhelming pressure I feel from “running out of time”. But there are moments the feeling slips through the cracks, edges out my practiced numbness, and I panic. Some days I feel like I live in an unbreakable cycle–I worry that I’m wasting too many hours watching Netflix or scrolling on my phone or even sleeping, but then I don’t know exactly what I should be doing (establishing better habits? improving my relationship with my family? learning new skills? embarking on some type of self-improvement journey?) so I just burrow deeper into these easy, banal tasks to avoid facing it all.
I worry I’m not investing enough in the right things right now, and I’m setting my future self up for failure and more regret. But this fear isn’t pushing me to change my lifestyle or mindset, it just pushes me deeper into avoidance and escapism.
Maybe all this stuff is normal-ish (I don’t know, maybe it’s not) and naturally, the end of high school will bring about some level of existentialism, but how do I find a balance that allows me to not repress it while still maintaining ability to function? Honestly, I have no clue. And this kind of self-doubt and lack of direction is a little crippling.
I don’t know how to end this on a positive note, except by saying that this phase of fear, doubt, worry, and questioning ebbs and flows. Some days I don’t think about it at all. Most days, actually, it just sits somewhere in the recesses of my mind. But sometimes, for a few hours or even a few minutes, I dwell, and then things crumble a little. Usually, that ends once I start busying myself again, or even if I just take a nap.
I guess on that note, I’m going to go to bed now 🙂
Hey Helenna, it’s interesting to read this now – at 11:05 AM in my room wearing my pjs on a Friday. Everything feels so slow and, dare I say, relaxing which is a real contrast to just last week. You’ve probably heard this a million times but you are not alone in your struggle. I constantly find myself worrying about the past and the future. Why didn’t I write a better college essay? Why wasn’t I more proactive in school? *Or* Do I actually have the ability to be doctor? What if no school accepts me? It’s exhausting as hell.
I guess the only way I semi-combat these thoughts is by reminding myself what it truly important in my life, right now. Yea, I care about college and stuff, but what I care most about is my family and the people that I love. Am I wasting my youth? I don’t think so. I spend everyday trying to be the best version of myself and expressing my gratitude towards the ones that impact me the most. Isn’t that enough? Anyways, I don’t really know where I was going with that but I just wanted to say, live your life the best you can in the moment. If you know you need sleep, then go take that nap girl! Found the perfect show to binge watch on Netflix? Go make yourself some popcorn!
Also, tell Christina I said ‘Hi’ pls
This post discussed such a relatable topic. I also feel the pull between my future and making sure that I’m enjoying my present situation to the fullest. Now with the whole COVID-19 thing ( I shudder to even say that because I dislike it so much), I feel like everything is in an even greater perspective. Everyone talks about how fun senior year is, but no one ever talks about the dread that comes along with trying to figure your life out at the same time. Especially now that we’re all home, it’s even easier to feel like we’re missing out on the best time of our lives. I guess I don’t really have a solid conclusion to this besides my solidarity with you. Even though people may not be talking about it, we’re all in the same boat here.
Hi Helenna! I really appreciated your post – it was very honest & genuine, and I think relatable. I find the future to be frightening and exhilarating at the same time, but I’m also always stuck in between the “carpe diem/YOLO” mindset and planning “to do the right thing” for the long term. I, too, like taking things one day at a time for most of the time, but somehow I have this strange habit of hyperpolarization. Some days I really am just living in the moment, and others, I’m overanalyzing and excessively mapping out the rest of the week, or my life. The college situation too applies to me, with my mom asking about where I want to go or nagging at me to apply for more scholarships. Right now, I’ve been putting it off till the end of March too.
I think it’s easy to feel regret, but at least for me personally, regret lasts longer if it comes from missed experiences with friends and loved ones versus academics or what’s most economical. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to plan ahead, but in the past, I’ve focused so much on where I wanted to end up that I missed out on making memories in the now. Anyway, however you think (or don’t think) about the future is okay, I’m sure everything will work out regardless 🙂