As I was procrastinating writing this blog, trying to come up with anything creative, I stumbled across Haley and Neil’s most recent blogs; the 6 types of Black people and 6 types of Asian people you’ll meet in Naperville. I will admit I genuinely laughed out loud while reading those blogs, knowing full well that for each category I could picture a certain person in my mind.

I figured if everyone else reacted to theirs the same way that I did, then give the readers what they want, right?

Again, this is all in good fun. There is so much more to a person than the color of their skin. But for some reason, even as a white person myself, it is just so much fun to make fun of white people for the stupidest things (also because it’s fairly easy, especially in Naperville).

So let’s keep this train rolling! Welcome to the 6 types of white people you will meet in Naperville.

 

#1: The Fuckboy

Yeah, let’s start this out with someone I know 90% of girls have had the PLEASURE of crossing paths with.

Basically, this term groups together those boys that think they are THE SHIT, the hot stuff, the gold at the end of the rainbow, the toy at the bottom of the cereal box, you get the point. While they do often score points on the attractive scale, their low scores on personality and character and anything meaningful cancels out their attractiveness. They typically use girls for clout or their own immature sexual desires, hopping from girl to girl. This quick turnover is usually a result of the girl gaining clarity on the situation, or the f-boy getting tired of them. 

You can catch these guys in their natural habitat; either the gym or the football field or in a girls’ DM’s (typical). Not to out any football guys, but this type is most commonly a bit conceited about how amazing they are and how hot they are.

There is one thing that f-boy’s are really extraordinary at; ruining a girls’ self-esteem and breaking her heart. As you probably know, especially if you’re a girl, we tend to get emotionally attached to a guy pretty quickly. Switching from girl to girl as fast as they do leaves them with a bad reputation and a line of upset girls.

All I can say is if any of this resonates with you, maybe rethink your actions. These guys are not generally liked by the girl population. And in case you forgot, news spreads fast and girls know everything…

 

#2: VSCO Girl

Now for those of you that don’t know what a true VSCO girl is, basically they wear oversized t-shirts, scrunchies, messy buns, Vans/Birkenstocks, have hydro flasks, etc. Also, an important point to note; the term “VSCO girl” comes from the app VSCO which essentially is a place to edit your pictures and post them to create an “artsy feed”. These characteristics generally come from girls who use this app.

This is most definitely a personality trait of the majority of girls at Naperville North and in Naperville. I, unfortunately, have to somewhat group myself in this group, because although I don’t like this label on myself, I like a lot of these things. 

(That does prove that you can’t just slap a label on every person and think it encompasses the totality of who they are. There’s so much more!!)

But nonetheless, you can see them spending 5 hours on color-coded notes, only to get a D+ on the test 🙂

#3: Karen and her mom Barbara

This has got to be the funniest stereotype but also the truest. I don’t even think I need to explain this one because everyone will know what it means, but I’ll do it for the heck of it.

Karen; white soccer mom in her minivan, demands to speak to the manager at every small inconvenience, runs a Facebook group discussing the changes that should be made in the community to better fit her needs, and more. I added in her lovely mother Barbara, for those times when things just aren’t going the way Karen wants:( and she needs to call her mom Barbara to really stir up white trouble.

These people are really funny to laugh at if you actually get to catch one out in public because they expect the world to revolve around them and throw a fit when it doesn’t. I think it might be a little bit of a generational thing (sorry Mrs.Trowbridge), since we know so much about these moms, and I can at least speak for me when I say I don’t ever want to be one. 

Here’s some mid blog post laughs for you though:

I’m sure most of you have seen this video but for those that haven’t, it is so worth the watch. This lady was actually named “Kidz Bop Karen”, so perfect. (warning: lots of vulgar language)

And an accurate Tik Tok to describe their biggest concerns #firstworldwhiteproblems

 

#4: Nicotine Addict

You know, the kids who couldn’t make it farther than 20 yards on the first day of school.

Enough said.

 

#5: IGAJFMSB

So I decided to go ahead and categorize this group of people under a meaningful acronym I created myself, IGAJFMSB. Can you guess what it means?

I Got A Jeep For My Sixteenth Birthday.

Bonus points if the Jeep is white.

 

Yep, I know there was one specific person that popped into your head the second you read that. Because there’s so many of them, it’s pretty easy to think of someone. Now no hate to hardworking families that can afford to buy their son or daughter a *BRAND NEW* Jeep for their 16th birthday, but it’s a little typical nowadays in Naperville. You usually get your license on your birthday during Sophomore year. What I noticed, whether it was just our grade or not, was the number of people that also got a new car for their birthday. More specifically, the number of people that got a white Jeep for their birthday (I think it should be universally rebranded as the rich person’s car because for some reason it’s crazy cool and popular in the teenage world, cough privilege cough). While I can speak for many in Naperville when I say that I got A CAR for my birthday, it was also my three older siblings’ car when they got their license and it is nothing close to the status of a Jeep. But you know what? It gets me to where I need to be and I don’t see a need for anything fancier, especially at this age.

*Doesn’t count if it’s not brand new. A very important thing to remember.*

 

#6: Hard-Boiled Eggs

I think there’s something about food that can sometimes describe a person, or a type of person, so perfectly. And with Neil and Haley’s perfect representation using Oreos and Twinkies, I just had to include this type of person. The hard-boiled egg. White on the outside, but yellow on the inside.

Now, it took a long time and quite of bit of brainstorming help to find something that would accurately describe the “smart white person”, because that group of people definitely deserves to be recognized.

[I just wanted to mention a couple of my favorite suggestions, “The Sheldons” (Big Bang Theory) and “Rare” (thank you Haley Cush)]

But anyway, the hard-boiled eggs of the white population are those surprisingly intelligent students who typically try super hard to fit into the smart Asian culture. Their schedules say all AP everything, and 92% is bad. They feel right at home when they are with their Asian friends discussing the latest Calculus answers. Even if they’re just as smart as their friends, because their white, there is a connotation that makes them seem just like a full-on try-hard.

———

I hope you were able to get a good laugh out of this post, picturing certain people or situations you’ve had with each of the different groups and realizing how relatable the descriptions can be. We might range from pale as shit to slightly tan from the $30 spray tan we got at LA Tan that turned orange in 5 hours, but there’s more that unites us than tears us apart. 

I can only speak for myself, but I’m out here trying my best to forge my path in this thing we call life and I will continue to better myself with differing relationships and accepting all perspectives.