I discovered tonight that I am the greatest League of Legends player humanity has ever been graced with. My prodigious mechanical talent compounded with my immaculate knowledge of the Summoner’s Rift landscape and incredible understanding of macro tactics make me truly a once in a generation phenomenon. For the past three nights in a row, my team, armed with my astronomical skills and guided by my fearless leadership, has absolutely dominated the opposition in what can only be dubbed a “classic ewang carry.” ALPHAPOOFACE – the man, the myth, the legend. The righteous honored him; the wicked feared him; and the gods blessed him with the strength of a thousand men.
If you ask any of the nine other players who had the honor of witnessing my glory, they may attempt to furnish your mind with a slightly different accounting of events; rest assured however that any deviation from the description I have provided you is sure to be slanderous, blasphemous, and flagrantly false. Those who themselves do not possess the unparalleled prowess required to be a League of Legends virtuoso often find it difficult to recognize unadulterated talent where it is conspicuously abundant.
See? It’s so easy to sound smart. Just barf up a cacophony of unrelated big words, spin them into an incoherent sentence, and BOOM you got yourself a pseudo-intellectual. Better yet, plagiarize the whole d*mn thing. Say something that sounds “deep and profound” that some old crackpot said fifty years ago but really belongs in some edgy teenage girl’s instagram post and pass it off as your own sh*t. “Love is the fruit of the soul”. Godd*mn, Aristotle. Why can’t we all be as big-brained as you?
I hate it. I hate when people use big fancy words and big fancy phrases to say a whole lot of nothingness to seem smart. The problem is, I do this so often that I can recognize when other people are doing it, but I hate when other people do it because it means I’m not monopolizing the benefits that are reaped by employing this strategy.
My life is absurdly f*cking boring right now. I can’t go the gym, can’t hang out with friends, can’t even leave my f*cking house. My parents have basically grounded my a** until school is back (if that even happens), so for the time being I am a prisoner in my own basement. At least I’ve had time to clean my bathroom so it is no longer an active biohazard. I’ve also had a lot of time to think and write about random sh*t. I’m currently writing a long a** high school reflection about the many failures I’ve accrued in high school and how they have shaped my insecurities, because I strongly believe that “we are defined by our insecurities because they are the primary forces that motivate us to achieve success; crippling feelings of personal inadequacy spawn an insatiable drive to compensate for these perceived failures, and this drive functions as the impetus for profound personal reinvention and advancement”. Oh look, I’m doing it again. Big fancy words and elaborate sentences to sound smart and say something a golden retriever could understand in as many words as possible. Mark Twain once said, “I didn’t have time to write you a short letter, so I wrote you a long one instead”.
Whatever. I don’t really give a sh*t. I’ve realized that the fewer things you care about, the more energy you can allocate towards the things that matter. Maybe I’ll write a long-winded tenet about this. Nah, I’d rather write about something exciting. Like a book review on the Kama Sutra. Maybe for my next blog post I’ll rank sexual positions by various criteria to determine the ultimate sexual position. Speaking of which, I’m majoring in 69 next year. Course 6 – computer science, Course 9 – neuroscience. The only reason I chose this major is so that if anyone asks me in the future what I majored in college, I can say “I majored in 69”. I know a f*ckton about neuroscience because I’m a huge nerd who sits at his computer all day reading about psychology studies and other nerdy sh*t, but I’m total a** at computer science. I was doing a problem on leetcode today and just as I submitted it told me that my runtime beat 5.6% of submissions and my memory storage ranked within the top 98%. My mom came over and started laughing. She called me a dumb watermelon in Chinese and told me to read this big fat book about algorithms. I’m sad. I am the dumb sheep of the Wang family. I killed all of Eric Chen’s sheep in Minecraft yesterday. For some reason the mindless slaughter of those digital animals brought me more pleasure than anything else has this past week. Actually, devising new and creative ways to torment Eric Chen on that realm has been my primary source of happiness this past week. That, and playing piano. I love playing piano. Piano is fun. E-Learning is not. I’m going to bed.
