On Relationships

Before the age when one fully matures and establishes a firm foothold in society, it is prudent to design relationships with planned obsolescence and invest minimally. After this age, one should begin the search for a life partner and build a strong and durable relationship founded on love, trust, respect, and admiration. 

Before diving into the rationale behind this belief, I would like to first establish that raw sexual attraction is among the least significant of the factors holding a true relationship together. Humans are naturally polygynous – meaning that a single dominant male presides over a harem of females. Like the overwhelming majority of mammals, we do not remain faithful to our mates; human males are wired to mate with as many females as possible in order to maximize the chances that their genes will be propagated to the next generations through their progeny. Perhaps this can partially explain why over half of the ritualized pair-bonds we call marriages end in divorce. Sexual attraction also does not last – libido in both males and females drops precipitously in the later years, as age dulls what was once a fierce and primitive drive to procreate. From an evolutionary perspective, sexual attraction is simply the means by which the continuation of human life is ensured; despite the complex civilizations we have created, we are all subject to the same instinctual pleasure-seeking urges. For this reason and many others, I believe that the surge of chemically induced euphoria that accompanies sexual encounters is not a sacred union with another human being symbolic of a shared love – it is simply nature’s way of motivating us to reproduce. Compounded with the fact that careless promiscuity is a dominant theme in our culture (and often glorified), it is evident that raw sexual attraction and long-lasting, healthy relationships have little to do with each other. 

Serious relationships formed before maturation and integration into society are an egregious squandering of time and energy. Adolescents especially lack the maturity to understand what is truly in their best interest, and often flagrantly misjudge potential partners for compatibility. Having met relatively few people in their short lifetimes, they select these partners from a very small pool of individuals often located in their immediate vicinity. In addition, before the brain fully develops (~ age 25), personalities are liable to drastic change, and interests have not fully formed. As a result, it is astronomically unlikely that a relationship formed in youth will persist into adulthood. Aside from a handful of happy memories, there is little that can be reaped from a romantic relationship after its end. Therefore, to minimize the wasteful investment of time and energy that characterizes a serious relationship as well as the pain induced by its conclusion, one should not build relationships with intentions of longevity. Although it would be excessive to assign an expiration date to a relationship, one should constantly be vigilant of the fact that in all likelihood, its end is near. With this in mind, the wisest course of action would be to limit investment, both financially and emotionally.

Eventually, however, it is imperative to seek a life partner with whom one can share a lifetime of experiences. Personally, I believe that intimacy and connection with other people is not only essential for our well-being and happiness; it is the essence of what makes life meaningful. A life partner should be someone you cherish and love, someone that you share a high degree of mutual respect and admiration with, and someone that you trust with your vulnerabilities and insecurities. At the end of the day, when our petty conflicts and human constructs fade away as we face the march of time that leads us to our inevitable deaths, all we really want is to have someone to hold and call our own.