Sometimes you have to turn your entire mind off – like a meditative state. It’s essentially a switch you flip. I have taken to calling this particular moment I experience the “click”. My first experience with this click was while looming over an eighteen foot drop as deluge of water rolled through the concrete dam below me. Funnily enough, I had no plans on throwing myself over the railing and leaping into the river when I biked to the forest preserve an hour earlier, but sometimes that’s just the way the cards fall.
Earlier that day while I neared the end of my bike ride, I was sitting down on the river side when I noticed a fisherman leave. As soon as he was gone, a few nearby kids sprang up and ran towards the dam. I watched them, and slowly my expression shifted from intrigue, concern, and finally to awe as one by one they climbed over the railing and leapt into the river. After they jumped, my first reaction was relief as they emerged from the water unscathed. I distinctly remember my second reaction being “I wish I could do that.” I made my way up to the top of the dam and walked over to one of the kids leaning up against the railing. I asked her what it was like.
“It’s really fun, and it’s generally safe too. The water isn’t very deep so just don’t dive and you’ll be fine,” she stated, “and you don’t have to jump if you don’t want to, of course.”
The thing was, I did want to jump. I was leaning against the railing looking down at the water and my mind raced with all the things that I should and should not do. How do I land safely? How far out should I jump? What if I mess up? How can these twelve year old kids do it with ease, but I freeze up?
She left me to my own devices and sat on a step, observing me. I retreated back into my head and thought long and hard about the decision I was about to make. On one hand, this is the adventure I love. I know I can do it, and I know I won’t get hurt too. On the other hand… what? I know I want to jump in, but what’s stopping me? I know it is not my fear, and I know it is not my mind. I have made up my mind, right?
It was in that moment that I realized my roadblock: I had not relinquished control. There are times when the solution isn’t total control, but rather the solution is no control. When you give yourself up, there’s nobody to hold you back anymore. That which has no substance can enter where there is no space. I let go of the railing. I left my mind. *Click*. I jumped into the river.
Since then, I have used this strategy numerous times in my life. I have gone out of my comfort zone and made the closest friends I have ever had. After previous months of anxiety and deliberation, I finally went to a support group for LGBTQ+ youth where I found comradery and connection I have never had before. I expressed myself fully despite my hesitation, and I no longer have any desire to go back. I thought you needed to have worked on self confidence and wit for years, but really all it takes is a click.