ALRIGHT! It is Jackson D. Corum here again, following hot off the heels of my last declarative post on what would be happening next. If you recall, I am fighting CHEFs today. And you may ask in regards to the ethics of a blood battle between me and a chef, which is very much a human being as compared to my last opponents being non sapient animals. Fret not, as I do not have those levels of intentions for today’s fight. Instead, it will be a battle of wits / a cook off in some scenarios! Not a traditional battle, but anyway I can win is a way I can win.

 

Cooking is an important aspect of existence for many a reason: which is why it’s one of the many pillars. I must respect the craft, and as such this will be taking place in a competition style arena. Two kitchens, with whatever ingredients could be needed, and a two hour time limit. I win if my cooking comes out on top, OR if the other chef fails to cook something of value in time: if you catch my drift. I also get 5 items of my choice to use as trump cards.

 

Well then! The stage is set. Without further ado, we should get started in the TOP TEN CHEFS I COULD DEFEAT!

 

#10: Guy Fieri

Guy? More like fried, cause I could easily cook this fraud in the kitchen. I’d take him to class even, I’d show him how to REALLY prepare some food with such ease it’d be embarrassing.

 

Guy might have a restaurant chain and be a food connoisseur, but I tell you what: I make a mean egg sandwich. He prepares his, steak strips or whatever while I make the greatest egg sandwich ever. I don’t even need to use any trucks to win, the judges naturally pick me over his food. Easy victory.

 

#9 Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver? More like Fraud Oliver.

 

He’s a brit, and as we all know the British love tea. It’s close to their lifeblood you see. So when I get into a battle with this bloke all I need is my five items.

A kettle,

A gallon of water,

A cup,

A packet of tea,

And some sugar.

 

With that, I easily distract Jamie. While he’s having teatime his food burns on the stove. Easy victory for me without much competition from Jamie, he was always a bit pretentious anyways.

 

#8 David Chang

David Chang? More like Fraud Chang. He owns a group of restaurants known as the Momofuku food group, so I strike at his heart. My five items are

1. A fraudulent news reporter
2. 10% in the company

Because that’s all I need. I spread a fake rumor about food poisoning, causing the company’s stocks to drop: and I sell my 10%. David Chang is knocked completely off his game by this and cannot prepare his food due to sadness. It’s as simple as that really, badabing badaboom I win.

 

#7 Julia Childe

I win by default.

 

#6 My Mother

(Picture Unavailable)

 

Ah, my mother. Karyne Corum, writer and all around individual that exists. She is not technically a chef, I will admit, she is a cook, but I will be counting her anyways. I could easily defeat her, I don’t need any tricks. Because she’d throw the match in my favor because I am her child. Karyne corum? More like Fraud Corum really. I wouldn’t have to really lift a finger in all honesty it’d be easy.

 

#5 Bobby Flay

Bobby flay? More like fraud flay. Now, he owns multiple franchises of restaurants: I could pull a trick like with Fraud chang, but I don’t like repeating myself or my tricks in such a way. Don’t worry Bobby, you’re safe from that! Instead however, all I need is some superglue and an invisibility cloak. He is big into burgers, so what I do is that I slip on my cloak, sneak over, and coat the handle of his spatula in superglue. It’s really hard to flip burgers when your hand is stuck to your spatula permanently, so he burns his burgers or messes up in some other way and I win easily. 

 

#4 Richard Blais

Honestly, I’ve already won. By god man, what the absolute hell is that haircut? Maybe I went back in time and bribed his barber to mess up his cut.

 

#3 Duff Goldman

Duff goldman? More like fraud goldman. He’s a pastry chef, but that’s not important to my strategy: what is important is his baldness. I just need an eagle and a turtle. You see: eagles will confuse bald peoples heads for rocks and drop turtles on them to crack the turtle shell (I am not joking this is actually true): so I just bring those two out, he gets a turtle dropped on his head, and he can’t cook his cakes.

 

#2 Binging With Babish

Technically his name is Andrew Rea but I don’t care. Binging with babish? More like Defrauding with babish. He’s usually not seen from the head up, but he has a big bushy beard he’s proud of (note: he’s done sponsorships with beard care stuff before). All I need is a razor, handcuffs, and legcuffs. I shave his beard after restraining him, he is distraught, and cannot cook right. I win.

 

#1 Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay? More like fraud ramsay. I’ve had my sights on this blonde bloke for a bit and I knew he had to be my top #1. If this were a show he’d be my big rival, He had to be the top from the start: that’s just how it is really. 

 

He might think he has the edge on cooking skills. Maybe he does, and maybe he has the edge in temper. I cannot underestimate Gordon, but I’ve come prepared. All I need is

 

1. An industrial grade glue sprayer with back mounted tanks
2. An ungodly amount of lamb sauce

 

Gordon tries to cook, not expecting me to pull up and douse him, his counter, his tools, his ingredients, everything in lamb sauce. He wanted lamb sauce, and he got it: and it lead to his ultimate downfall. Then I serve the judges smiley fries and frozen chicken tenders. Easy victory.