It’s time, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for!
Top 10 fantasy creatures I could defeat in a fight is upon us. The big finale, so to speak. We’ve moved Beyond the realm of entire plausibility into a realm of fantasy to get the last of our contestants for the role in the next list, which will be throwing every #1 contestant against each other in a top list to see who’s the ultimate one I could win against. And in case you do not remember, this will then decide the subject of my final blog where I write a short piece on my fight against them.
The rules for this battle are going to be kept simple, but fair in order to make sure neither of us has an unfair advantage. We will fight in a standard 20x20x20ft cube, the floor is made out of reinforced wood planks (important later) and the area is well lit. Magic is not off limits, and at opponents request there may be furniture. I will receive one type of armor of choice, one medium to small sized weapon, and one auxiliary item that cannot be a weapon of any kind. Certain battles will not include armor or a weapon for the sake of fairness. Normally peaceful creatures are berserked into a state wherein they will fight or be fought, and the battle ends when either combatant is unable to continue. If you were not clued in by the small size of the arena, no gargantuan or otherwise creatures of inordinate size such as Dragons will be included: apologies for my inability to fight a 50 foot long fire breathing lizard. Battles are rated both on ease but, more importantly, entertainment and fun value
Without further adieu, let us begin!
#10: Goblin
I could beat a goblin, you could beat a goblin, anyone could beat a goblin. It’s a goblin, temper any expectations you prior had for such a creature my friend. No weapon or armor is provided to me for this fight, so the most dangerous aspect is it’s pointy stick- a jab to the Achilles heel wouldn’t be good. But if I get a good grip on him, and fight through the pain of a possible bite, I can win this duel easily without much of an issue. You might ask why this is #10 if it’s so easy- and that’s because it’d be very boring.
#9: 3 Kobolds
Kobolds are a favorite of mine, but are inherently more dangerous than a goblin. I could do the same as last time with a lone fight against a kobold but the results would be about the same, so instead I’ll amp up the difficulty with the inclusion of two extra kobolds.
As I have learned in my Military History class, slings are dangerous- but not overly dangerous. But if I get hit by a sling, even if it doesn’t down me it could put me in a position for a coup de grace from a dagger. Giving myself hard leathers and a club, the goal in this fight is mobility- Kobolds are fast creatures, and I don’t wanna get gnawed on by one either. if I can not get distracted and keep my eye on every kobold, it’ll be a fun battle that I can win handily.
#8: Centaur
Easy pickings this one is. The centaur might at first seem intimidating, but it’s half horse nature will be its downfall against me. If I get it’s legs which is easier than with a human, he’ll be vulnerable for the finishing strike. Not much to say but I think it’d be interesting, don’t need too much kit outside of a sword or maybe not even that. Even that club would be easy to dodge.
#7: Gnome
I mean come on! It’s a gnome, even with forest magic it’ll be easy pickings. It’s so easy I need nothing, but I put it this high because punting a gnome is objectively funny.
#6: Giant Skeleton
12 Foot Tall Skeleton. Dangerous stuff, but I think I could manage. It might seem impossible, but it’s bony construction makes it easy to get around and get through the leg gaps of. Plus its swings will be telegraphed enough to make it easy for a fight. I’ll just take hardened leathers and a Warhammer, and then work away at shattering its bones. If I get it’s legs it simultaneously becomes more dangerous but more vulnerable, but I think I have this one in the bag.
#5: Evil Genie
Such a wicked fellow- traditional combat won’t work, but I will trick him. I will follow The traditional rules of a monkey’s paw genie, but specifically I will ask for this: “I wish for the person I hate most to instantly disintegrate, and for this to be passed on to anyone in my will”. The genie cackles: thinking he’s pulled one over on me, and instead has me disintegrate because of self loathing or something. But then when he’s at my wake, they read the will out: “and so he left everything to the evil genie”. The genie gasps, crying out in fear before disintegrating himself. The final touch? My auxiliary item was a phylactery.
An evil looking genie cartoon like in the story of Aladdin coming out of a magic lamp and pointing fingers
#4: Lich
You might think I’m off my rocker, but hear me out. A lich is simple enough to defeat if you know the gimmick: which is its phylactery. The source of its revival, and per duel rules it must be located within the room. I will request bomb disposal unit armor and a large explosive, as the lich has requested furniture so it can hide its phylactery. It will be painful for me, but the bomb will destroy everything in the room and the lich giving me the victory.
#3: A French Person
You don’t seriously believe the French exist do you? Wake up sheeple, you’re being lied to. The French are fantastical creatures dreamed up by the British probably, I don’t know. I never took geography.
Anyways there’s no notable magic powers to boot outside of extreme, otherworldly pretentiousness so I’ll just take platemail and a spear. Easy victory.
#2: Animated Armor
Warhammer and instant rust powder. Enough said but that’ll handily defeat this creature. It’s joints and armor will stiffen and crack, and the precise blows of a Warhammer can shatter it to bits before it gets the chance to fight back. I think it’ll be fun to watch though which is why this is so high, but I’d win. It might take a while for it to rust but I’d win anyways.
#1: Mimic
The set-up for the payoff of the fact I allowed enemy combatants to place furniture in the arena if they so choose. I’ll take spiked armor and a Warhammer for this one as well, which is the ideal mimic fighting gear. It’s just trying to find the mimic before it finds me, because if it gets its teeth in a gap in my armor it’s not good.
If It gets the jump on me, it’ll cut it’s tongue and mouth on the spikes of my armor giving me a momentary advantage though. With that I think I could win, and it’d be super tense too. Like among us but for real and with furniture, so I guess more like prop hunt.
Jackson, I like how thorough you were in the planning of your battles and laying out all the circumstances like the arena and what equipment you can have. That made this more fun to read than some of the other ‘things I’d beat in a fight lists’ I’ve read because those have been mostly very unrealistic. I agree with you about beating a goblin, they don’t seem all that threatening. You did a good job tailoring your equipment to the strengths of whatever you were fighting which was interesting. I think a centaur would be more challenging than you anticipated because of its size and strength. I would not even want to fight a regular horse considering how big they are. Overall I liked the range of different creatures you included and how much detail you put into each one.
Jackson, I do believe this to be your most troubling battle yet. I really enjoyed reading your blog, but I must say, some of the fights will be extremely challenging. I will give you credit where credit is due; the goblin, gnome, and other assorted small magical creatures will be light work. However, I think that you will have a hard time with many of them. For one, the Kobold and Centaur are ranked low, and it seems you are sure of victory. I think that you, or really anyone in general, would struggle in this fight. The 2 Kobolds would easily flank and overpower you, and have you seen what a horse can do? Their legs are incredibly strong and I personally would not want to fight a horse, much less a half man half horse! In the end, most of these creatures are very deadly and I think you underestimate the potential they have. Nonetheless, I would love to see these fights and I enjoyed reading about them!
I’ve been looking forward to more Jackson vs… blogs! Upon first glance, this list seems to be tougher than any other list you made before. In contrast to animals in the real world, fantasy creatures usually have some kind of unpredictable magic abilities that would make them hard for a real person to fight. Given that, I think it’s fair that you’re allowed to use one piece of armor, a weapon, and an auxiliary weapon to even the odds a bit. Most of these matchups make sense, but there is one that I have questions about, that being the centaur. Centaurs are similar in height to humans, and should be stronger in every way due to being able to generate more power from their horse legs. I don’t think a sword would be able to do the job since you’d be in the range of its club strikes. Rather, I would choose a weapon such as a Yari or a Glaive, as those weapons have a longer reach and can take out the centaur’s legs (as you described) without coming in range of its attacks. Other than that, I think your strategies are reasonable and this was an fun blog to read!