The water – Progenitor to life. From where we all came, and where we will all end someday. We evolved from those that chose to exit the primordial soup, to evolve legs and come to shore and learn to live on land. Millions and millions of years of evolution later and we’re here, I’m typing this. But some, some unglorious creatures thought themselves too good to move on. the Britain to the landwalkers america: we forged new grounds, they stayed in the water and evolved there. Even worse, some can’t make up their minds. they are traitors to land AND water forms, they can’t choose between the two: and sitting on the fence is worse than being on either side.
Today I will propose a hypothetical in which I embark on a quest to teach those amphibians and those aquatic creatures what’s what. I choose to take down these nasties in one on one gladiatorial combat or meet my demise trying. These are the top ten aquatic and amphibious creatures I could beat in a fight.
THE RULES, are simple. a fifty foot by fifty foot cubic arena with slanted floor filled with water. the shallow end goes up to the ankles, while the deep end is roughly about 10 feet deep: with a 3 foot length of dry land only in amphibious battles. There are no weapons, we are both fighting unarmed. There is no quarter, animals normally passive are driven to fight. Loss is either ones demise or being incapacitated beyond fighting: and the main things Im ranking by is how cool the fight would be, and if I’d win.
#10: Lobster
The tank of the sea. I could easily beat one, but it’s gonna be a messy and not very glorious fight: even when I win. If i get it by its tail the fight is quick, but even then it might swing itself around and snip me with its claws. There’s no point at which I lose the fight, but I’m probably getting snipped and that sucks. It’s just a boring fight all around.
#9: 10 Crabs at once
I’m giving the crabs a numerical advantage on this one. Crabs are much more interesting of a fight than the lobster: and there are tactics to consider. One stomp can severely hurt a crab (I’m counting them as amphibious): but if I don’t take a crab out with a stomp it puts me in prime position to get my hamstrings snipped by the crab. Plus I’m not fighting only one: I’m fighting ten at once. I need to keep track of the crowd and manage my attacks: and while I’m not getting out unscathed, I think I win. and if you look at this and think “Oh I could take ten crabs unscathed” A: Didn’t ask and B: Don’t lie you’d get pinched.
#8: Toad the size of a dog
I’m giving the toad a size increase here, growth ray or something. This is a toad the size of a small dog: and oh boy is this gonna be a doozy. Toads are fierce fighters: they go hard or go home, But the old reliable “punt like a football” tactic is gonna work here. I can keep kicking it, then it bites my foot, and I start punching it. Eventually I can come out on top, and it’ll be a funny fight.
#7: Giant Otter
My first truly dangerous foe. It isn’t as big as the toad the size of a dog sure, but the giant otter is still large (1.6m long) and its main asset is being slippery and fast with teeth to boot. If it gets at my jugular I’m a goner: I have to nail it down and beat it early before it has the chance to get the jump on me.
#6: Snakehead Fish
this fight is just destined to happen, karma for this terrifying, invasive… thing existing. It might be an interesting fight, but as soon as i get it from behind if it’s not too heavy the fight is all over. it might try eating my arm though which could be a problem, so I have to be careful in the bout and stay away from the mouth.
#5: Beaver
I mean, come on. Of course I could take a beaver. Might get some nasty tooth marks and an infection, but I will win and it will be glorious.
#3: Giant Isopod
My eradication of this thing will be a service to all other species. But yeah, its just a massive waterbound bug thing: how would I not win? these things give me the heebie jeebies anyways, It’ll be easy. easy as one two three, smash smash smash stomp stomp stomp.
#2: Dolphin
I knew this had to be my #2 since the start. No ordinary person can take on a dolphin and live; they’re dangerous creatures you know. I know you couldn’t take one on, yeah don’t even fake it. Me however? I’m built different. There’s still a chance I lose, which fair enough, but I can totally go toe to toe with a dolphin and probably win. Even if I don’t win it’s going to be very entertaining and fun, which is the real goal. this fishy freak is gonna come at me, and I’m going to deliver a beatdown so incredible it echoes throughout its grey skinned, blow-hole owning, lineage. My systematic, calculated, destruction of this dolphin is going to be etched in history books. I’ll come out on the other side with some cool scars at minimum.
#1: Tiktaalik
The bass-turd who started it all: no greater choice for the final number one of this list. This fishface crawled out of the water: started living on land and BOOM now we have taxes and stuff. It’ll be like vaporizing my great^20*6e+8 grandfather/mother, The sins of the father will be no more. Easy win, especially since I’ll be much more motivated.
This is quite the intriguing and interesting post, and these fights would definitely be fun to participate in/watch. Reading your post, I noticed quite a few things. First of all, I like the selection of animals to duel with. The variation will make for a very interesting and entertaining fight, especially with the changes from water to land for amphibious animals. However, for some of these animals, I don’t think that you give yourself enough credit in the fights. Of course, you would win against a lobster, I agree with that. For the crabs, I think that you could take quite a few more than ten. I have been pinched by crabs before and while it can hurt, it really would not be noticeable in a fight. I think that honestly the crabs are at a huge disadvantage and could use an additionally 20 to make it a more fair fight. Honestly, I agree with you on all of these fights; you would very likely come out on top in them. For the dolphin, while they would prove a challenge, I think that with patience it may eventually make a mistake, exposing a weak spot or beaching itself, allowing for you to strike. I totally agree with you however, I think you could take many if not all of these animals and come out on top. I would like to propose an additional question however: do you think that you would be able to beat all of these animals if they were fighting against you together?
Very interesting topic, I must say. As someone who has pondered a very similar question but in regards to land animals instead of those in the water, I can understand why you would delve into this topic. My one concern would be your approach of fighting a dolphin. An average adult dolphin can weigh up to a couple hundred pounds, and as I’m sure you know, there are weight classes in combat sports for a reason. Furthermore, you’re going to be attempting to fight this dolphin in an arena that has an ample amount of water. There is a good chance that the dolphin waits for you to attack, or just stays in the water and beats you with sheer endurance, as you would probably suffer hunger and thirst way faster than the dolphin, and weakness beyond the ability to fight is a loss condition. If I were to fight a dolphin I would probably avoid strikes and instead try to maneuver it in a way so it will swim under me, at which point I attempt a rear naked choke. I would encourage you to further flesh out your strategies in case you run into one of these animals.
Hey Jackson! I remember initially reading your post when I was approving comments for my literacy narrative blog. I thought it was a really funny read then and now after reading it for the second time! I loved your idea for your post: you versus various aquatic creatures. Very interesting! Your post reminded me of the Who Would Win? books I really enjoyed reading when I was younger. Perhaps you’ve read them too? While I was reading your blog, I thought your selection of creatures to fight was very interesting, especially the giant isopod and the Tiktaalik. Those aren’t very typical aquatic creatures. In my opinion, I think the giant otter and the dolphin would probably be the most difficult to defeat. For the giant otter, nailing them down would be a good option, however, I think that would be quite difficult considering you might not get a good grip due to their slipperiness. You’ll also probably sustain some nasty injuries at the end of the fight due to their sharp teeth. As for the dolphin, I think it’ll be pretty difficult to defeat it because dolphins are fantastic swimmers. Moreover, the aquatic environment you’ll be fighting the dolphin in will most likely put you at a great disadvantage. Nevertheless, I still think you’ll find a way to win! Overall, this was a very interesting read! I’m looking forward to reading your future posts!
This post was really interesting, especially with the variety of species you included, and your thoughts on why you could beat them in a fight. The word choice that you used to describe the fight made it much more entertaining, and actually pretty funny. “grey skinned, blow-hole owning, lineage”, like how do you even come up with that, saying that to the dolphin honestly might just make it give up. I think I agree with you on most of the fights as well, I think that most of the smaller animals should be pretty easy to beat. I have to say though, I think the dolphin and the snakehead might be fiercer than you think. I mean, both of them are FAST, and they both have some nasty teeth. If they bite your arm, they’re not letting go. Who knows though, I may be underestimating your power. When you’re fighting the toad, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about it biting you, because they don’t really have teeth. I think it deciding to throw in a kick would be a bigger problem. But overall I think with the right strategy, all these animals are beatable, and I like the ones you chose.
Perfect example of a creative and original post 🙂