I’ve always believed that nostalgia is one of the most overlooked but powerful emotions a human can experience. Honestly. After moving around the world and back, and of course as a self-proclaimed storyteller who tends to look on the past maybe a bit too much, nostalgia is a taste that I have become quite annoyingly familiar with.
As the monumental moment of graduation creeps closer and closer, it is inevitable that my familiar friend nostalgia comes to shake hands with me once again. This week alone brought too many emotions, from starting my last tech week at North to preparing for my last JSA convention. While I haven’t cried yet, I’m really just preparing for myself to burst into tears at any moment (not counting a minor meltdown during The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time).
I’ll be honest, I’ve never been one for school pride. Outside of my club and show shirts, I don’t even own any NNHS merchandise and I never really saw the need to acquire it. I’ve never felt “driven” to be part of “the pack.” For the past four years, I’ve viewed NNHS as a location for resources and a place I can spend with people, from those I love to those I really don’t know at all. A building, more than anything. I hoped that something at North would prove me wrong.
So why, when these last few events come up and I sit here typing this post (on a piano bench no less), do I feel an odd sense of nostalgia and melancholy? Is the transition to college really such a grandiose leap?
I like to think I’ve gotten pretty used to saying goodbyes. I won’t go into it, but leaving Hong Kong was an enormous process for me that I sometimes feel like I’m still closing off on. Evidently then, I suck at saying goodbye. The idea of experience resulting in skill is clearly something lost on me in this aspect.
Beyond merely leaving NNHS, I think a larger part factor in this situation is the idea of leaving Naperville, perhaps permanently. Rationally, I’m not the biggest fan of Naperville but I have to admit that it’s had a large impact on my identity and what I know. Even in AP Lit, every time we read Hamlet, I am pulled back to rehearsals for Hamlet in 8th grade, the very first play I was ever truly a part of. I wonder if I can really keep doing theatre in college, or continue it for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine my life without regular greuling tech weeks, but I have to accept that this type of opportunity isn’t very abundant outside of high school.
During freshman jamboree as well, I watched a student and his parent discuss the possibility of JSA. I watched the boy drag his father away, claiming it was merely a club for “congressional debate.” As much offense that I think I should take to that, I couldn’t really blame him. I remember coming to freshman jamboree and rebuking all of my father’s attempts to push me even near the JSA table. I told him that I was uninterested in anything of the sort and that I wouldn’t want to spend my time on such a club. Four years later, jokes on me.
I’m genuinely not super sure what this is supposed to be. Clearly, my lack of skill in saying goodbye is one upping me yet again. I have no idea how to say goodbye, or when I’m supposed to say it. I’m mildly concerned of the possible upcoming times in which I will have an emotional breakdown. But all is well, I guess, and I’m rather thankful that ultimately NNHS proved me wrong.
You’re going to make me cry too 🙁 I’ve spent the entirety of this year feeling nostalgic, and already missing things while they were happening. For the past 9 years, I’ve been so excited to leave, and now that it’s here I’m clinging desperately to every moment in a school I’m still not convinced has any real uniqueness or magic to it. Goodbyes are weird.
Nostalgia is definitely one of those feelings that just clings to you, and it always brings this whole conflicting mix of emotions that I think you described pretty well in your intro. Even though I’ve never been really into North pride either (although I may partake on the occasion), I do really value the people that I’ve met here and the time that I’ve spent with them. In addition to the senior-year-nostalgia-mess, I think that a lot of my angst is also centered on the future, the thought of having to go to college and figure things out on my own, and essentially start over with a whole new group of people that I haven’t known since I was a kid. I’ll definitely miss you when this year ends, and I’m glad that you found some sort of belonging at NNHS (even if it brings emotional pain at having to leave). I hope that you’ll be able to find similar belonging at college, since I think that even though this sort of connection is painful to leave, it’s also what makes a lot of just living worthwhile. We still have to make that croquembouche though.