Senior Year – Expectations vs. Reality

For an inordinate amount of my life, I had huge expectations for what my senior year of high school would be like.  I imagined my college applications, final parties with friends, and senior privileges derived from watching a little too much Kim Possible and High School Musical.  After actually entering high school, these expectations specified into the experiences I planned on continuing.  Looking back, a number of things have changed and yet some followed as expected.  Nevertheless, here is a quick overview of some expectations I had for my senior year as a freshman and the reality that came to pass.

1. Theatre
   
   Theatre was a dream I had that I never actually expected to happen.  I didn’t plan on doing theatre my freshman year (I thought I wouldn’t have the time) but by the end of the year, I had been involved in three productions.  After directing my first one act, I dreamed about directing the Children’s Show.  Somehow, without any prior involvement in that production, I was fortunate enough to be chosen as a director my senior year.
   Directing the Children’s show was somehow easier and harder than I thought it would be.  This holds true for most experiences I have had senior year.  Before starting the show, I was stressed and anxious about how to block and direct a full production.  These elements ended up being some of the easier parts of directing though, and I was soon exposed to a whole new range of challenges from acting techniques, character walks, costume choices, lighting colors, and props.  Nevertheless, day by day and with each rehearsal, the production gradually came to fruition and it is one of my most treasured memories from NNHS yet.
   My journey through theatre as a whole is something that I never believed I could do, but under the guidance and with the support of so many incredible people in my life, it has become a major stakeholder in my present and future.  Directing a full production was a dream I had from middle school, and while I won’t pontificate on such cliches as “dreams come true,” I am immensely grateful and honored to have received the opportunities I have and experienced the work that I have.  This goes to the first lesson I learned from this year, which is that preparation pays off.  Daily work, from reading scripts and practicing them to joining workshops and experiencing every aspect of theatre posssible, ensured that when an opportunity came, I would be prepared to take it.
2. Junior State of America (JSA)
   JSA was something I joined freshman year, purely on a whim.  The funny thing is, my dad suggested it to me in middle school and I absolutely rejected it.  Yet somehow, I found myself going to weekly meetings and getting more and more involved in the JSA community.
   Being in JSA for my final year, it’s odd to think about how far I’ve come.  During my freshman year, I planned on becoming our Chapter Director of Activism as a senior.  Now, my job extends much further beyond that and I have had the privilege of serving in a vast multitude of roles in the JSA activism department.  Although I joined JSA almost purely for the activism, it’s taken on an enormous role in my life that I never could have imagined.  This is another truth that I have learned this semester: some experiences can’t be expected, and they can be greater than what you ever planned before.  It’s absolutely okay for things to go off course, and the result is honestly what you make of it.
3. Career Paths and Project Said
   
   Project Said.  https://www.projectsaid.org/.  Something I genuinely never expected but ended up changing my entire career trajectory for the foreseeable future.
   I started out high school with the expectation that I would eventually go into political science and law.  It seemed like a happy compromise, with the caveat that I would never be able to work in the arts as I desired to do.  I resigned myself to this.  Not to say that I was entirely unhappy about it, I genuinely have a passion for politics and social justice issues.  I was mostly concerned about sacrificing any creative future for myself.
   Over the past year, I happened to become more and more involved with Asian media, from becoming a devoted K-pop fan (BTS, Seventeen, and TXT continue to inspire me everyday) to watching more Asian movies and TV shows, following Asian-American studios, and researching representation in the arts.  I soon realized that there was space for me to follow what I wanted to do in the arts while keeping my passion for social justice, even if the path would be a bit more rocky than my previous road of poli-sci and law school.  What seemed like a dream before has become a reality as I created Project Said: A Global Platform for Diversity and Equity in the Arts.  Since then, I’ve been able to interview and connect with Grammy winners, top-charting sound mixers and producers, and personal role models of mine that leave me starstruck each time I think about them.  This connects to quite possibly one of the most important things that I have learned over the course of high school, which is that obliging fear is not worth the time.  If you really love something, make a way.
4. Friends, Old and New
   
   Throughout the course of high school, I have lost contact with friends, strengthened old friendships, and created new ones.  I’m honestly a pretty shy and introverted person.  “Making friends” has always been struggle of mine but not a concern, I tend to stick with a couple people that I really know.
   Being involved with numerous communities in high school, I soon developed friendships that were only really active in specific activities (my archery friend group, my theatre friend group, my JSA friend group, etc.)  Along the way, I also lost contact with many of my friends as we split into different groups or they graduated years before me.  Staying in touch over social media has never been my strength, and it’s something I’m still trying to work on.  Nevertheless, if I have learned anything over the course of these relationships is that it is always worth it.  Even if you lose friends or feel embarassed in the beginning, by the end of it all it is so worth it to have amazing people in your life.  As much as I like to joke around with them, I am often genuinely in awe of my friends and just how incredible they are.  Even if we don’t remain in contact in college, a future that I am frighteningly aware of, I am thankful to have had them in my life and I can only hope that they feel the same way.  NOTE: If you are one of those people in my life… thank you 🙂
5. Mental Health and Myself
   While I regularly advocate for it, actually learning to value my mental health has been and continues to be an ongoing, difficult process.  I’ve struggled with my mental health for years and there are definitely large ups and downs that frequently disturb the path I would have liked my life to take.
   Maybe it’s just because I’m in a better place now, but looking back I’ve learned to accept the failures and terrors that I experienced and faced.  I always want to do the best that I can so it’s a little disappointing sometimes to reflect and feel that I could have done better.  This year, I’ve thought about it a lot and at the end of the day, I am happy with how my high school experience turned out.  Yes, there were a lot of lost opportunities and failed initiatives, and with all that I know now I probably could have done a few things better, but I just hope that I will always feel that way so that I am constantly improving.  The truth of the matter is that without the failures and missed opportunities, I wouldn’t be able to do everything that I do now.  I was fortunate enough to prove my worth to myself and as BTS constantly guides me to believe, I am working through my way to finding how to love myself.  Cheesy as it is, it’s a long journey that I never really valued in the past and I am doing my best to figure it out now.  I’m not entirely sure how to end this on that note, so I’ll leave with some roughly translated BTS lyric quotes that I think best describe my current state and what I want to guide me in the future, in the hopes that I can read this back in the future and discover new things about myself.”I gave up sleep for my dreams,” – We are Bulletproof pt. 2
   “Don’t be trapped in someone else’s dream,” – N.O.
   “Even all the scars from your mistakes make up your constellation,” – Answer: Love Myself
   “Decide for yourself what it means to be happy,” – Lights
   “Even when I fall and hurt myself I keep running towards my dream,” – Epilogue: Young Forever
   “Look down on me… it’s my hobby to prove you wrong,” – We On
   “In the middle of the road, in the moment you want to give up, shout out louder ‘so what,'” – So What
   “I live so I love,” – Trivia: Love