I generally eat pretty healthily, but one particular fast-food chain has captured the heart of the little fat kid that lives inside of me. It’s not authentic, it’s not fresh, it’s not even particularly cheap – but I love Taco Bell. Here are my opinions on their most popular menu items, if you care for some reason.
- Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes (6/10)
Not much of this screams “Fiesta” to me, but at only $1.29, it’s hard to say no. The crispy potatoes covered in plastic, neon-yellow queso and finished off with a dollop of sour cream are a great choice for a side, and offers vegetarians a nice meatless option. As a bonus, this item is infinitely customizable – it’s a blank canvas for you to make your own meal.
2. Cheesy Roll-Up (2/10)
This is just a sad, sad meal. Why not just order a quesadilla? Sure, they’re only $1 a piece, but I’d need at least 6 or 7 of these to fill myself up, and I don’t feel like doing that to my body. If you order this consistently, you should re-evaluate some of your life choices.
3. Doritos Locos Tacos (8/10)
Whoever came up with this deserves a raise. Taco Bell took a bland, outdated item (their traditional hard shell taco) and upped the ante by making the shell entirely out of Doritos. It’s like something out of a fever dream, and it is delicious. I do, however, have to dock points for Taco Bell’s discontinuation of the Cool Ranch and Flamin’ shells. The original just isn’t the same.
4. Crunchwrap Supreme (10/10)
This might be Taco Bell’s greatest contribution to the culinary world. It’s a flat burrito that you can eat with one hand, AND it has a crunchy shell inside to separate the double-decker filling. It combines all of the best aspects of their menu into one – you have the charred burrito wrapping, the crunchy taco inside, and a layer of quesadilla cheese. When I die, I would like to be buried with one of these. Maybe thousands of years in the future, archaeologists will dig me up and marvel at the ingenuity of past civilizations (and make fun of the guy buried with his food).
5. Baja Blast (11/10)
If you go to Taco Bell and don’t order a Baja Blast, you are missing out. I’m not a huge soda drinker, and definitely not a fan of Mountain Dew, but there is something special about this drink. I can’t pin down the flavor, which tastes faintly of lemon-lime scented cleaning solution, which is perfect, because after eating Taco Bell, my stomach deserves some deep cleaning. I will warn you that whatever chemical combination the good people at Mountain Dew infused into the Baja Blast is dangerously addictive. This thing should be a Schedule 1 drug.
This is a hilarious post…keep eating Taco Bell while you are young and still can!
Hello Carter,
I have never eaten at Taco Bell due to what I have heard about it and my cynicism of fast food meat (especially Taco Bell). But after reading your blog post and watching Taco Bell commercials for years it seems that I might have to indulge in the abomination that is Taco Bell. I am particularly intrigued by the Baja Blast because it is a Taco Bell exclusive that has received a lot of praise. If I ever do spend dinner at Taco Bell, I will be sure to consider this blog post while ordering.
Taco Bell is exceptionally overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I should be the type of person to LOVE Taco Bell – there’s nothing better than going out to get food with friends at 3am especially when the food is spicy, however, Taco Bell misses on pretty much every possible metric for me. The food is barely edible and ruins my digestive tract for weeks. Even the Baja Blast is just not that good. Hopefully in the future your taste develops and you can acquire some similarities to the normal human’s culinary experience.
Carter, I think we had this conversation one time but I agree completely. Everytime I eat at Taco Bell, I always try to justify why I chose to eat there, and I can never really find one. It’s not really that cheap, the food is pretty bland without the sauce, but for some reason I keep coming back to it. It honestly sucks and just writing this makes me kind of aggravated, but it always hits a certain spot everytime I decide to eat there.