TikTok is good for many things – life hacks, idiosyncratic dances, light-hearted pick-me-ups – but the one purpose that TikTok has attempted (and promptly failed) to serve as is a source of book recommendations. I myself have fallen into the trap of believing that those beautifully-worded quotes are an accurate representation of the books they were extracted from, but I’m here to tell you that they truly don’t. Today, I’ll be expressing my (highly controversial) opinions on four of the most popular TikTok-recommended books, and begging you to never read any of these, for both your sanity and mine. 

*This is just a note that I’m writing these reviews under the assumption that you’ve already heard of these books and know a general gist of their summary.
**I’ll try my absolute best to not include spoilers, but no promises – read at your own risk.

 

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
My favorite part of this book was how scarily accurate the title is: all of these BookTokers are, in fact, liars for saying that this book was good. For a book that’s often marketed as having one of the best plot twists to ever exist, the plot twist fell short – after just a few chapters in, I could predict exactly what was going to happen at the end, nearly word for word. I’ll admit, the author’s prose wasn’t absolutely horrid. The writing flowed poetically at many parts, frequently creating detailed descriptions of the quaint vacations and envy-inducing friendships that the characters enjoyed. Well, enjoyed would be too generous of a verb. Blinded by their unrelenting surface-level materialistic mindsets, the characters endured, at best, the privileged lifestyles that they led; yet, even by the very last page of the book, exactly zero of them had undergone substantial character development in the entirety of the 256 miserable pages. The plot twist – being not even a real one – was not adequate compensation for the rest of the book.

 

Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller
Everyone promised me that this book was a tangible form of emotional turmoil, that my first readthrough would result in the last 33 pages of the book having been dampened from shedding uncontrollable tears. Alas, nothing about this book caused me to feel anything at all, except for boredom, an ongoing sense of dread with every flip of the page, and the overwhelming disappointment each time the book once again let me down from my (not-even-that-heightened) expectations. Now, I promise that this isn’t just because I’m an insensitive ***** – I cry at the end of (most) (good) books, which is a category that this specific book, decidedly, cannot be lumped into. The pacing of the novel was a whirlwind of confusion; the author’s writing only truly began to shine during the last half of the book, but even then, each droning page was spent describing a single piece of weaponry or a fleeting millisecond of a scene. By the time the novel ended, the only emotion of mine that I would identify was relief of finally being able to set this book aside and pretend that the past 4.5 hours spent reading weren’t an utter waste of time. 

 

They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera
As a sharp contrast from We Were Liars, this book did not become TikTok famous for its wow-factor of a plot twist: hence, the title. Yet, even taking into consideration the intentional lack of excitement in the plot, I couldn’t find a single redeeming factor about this book. The characters were perhaps some of the blandest ones I had ever encountered in my entire sixteen years of reading, more one-dimensional than a brown paper bag and drier than Popeye’s buttermilk biscuits. None of them had any growth by the end of the book (though I guess that doesn’t really matter, given the title oops), but the pessimist remained ragingly negative about all things in their life and the optimist stayed staring death right in the face through their rose-colored glasses. The overall premise of the book definitely had a ton of potential, but the author completely obliterated any and all hopes and dreams of it being even remotely decent. 

 

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab
“A life no one will remember. A story you will never forget.” This is the first sentence of the Goodreads summary for this book, and as expected, it’s incredibly misleading: the second I closed the cover, I promptly forgot about it. A couple days after finishing the novel, I saw a recommendation for this book and logged onto my Goodreads account to add it to my ‘To Be Read’ list; when I saw that I had already rated it a solid 2 out of 5 stars, I nearly spiraled into a slight existential crisis. Yes, that’s how remarkably forgettable this book was. Though the book does sometimes feature beautifully intricate writing, it is dulled by the plot (if it can even be considered a plot). About one-thirds of the way in, I felt myself subconsciously hoping that I would spontaneously develop some sort of temporary ailment that would allow my fingers to freeze together and take away my physical ability to turn pages, just so I would have a reasonable excuse to not have to finish the book (other than it just being plain boring). The main character has a shockingly monotonous personality for someone that’s been alive for 300+ years, and never once in those three centuries does she experience personal growth. In total, there were approximately 7 words that piqued my interest throughout the story, but the author never built off of it enough for me to stay intrigued. It is not as beautiful of a book that everyone says it is – save your time. 

 

If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this resentful blog, you’re a real one (and perhaps, just as much of a bitter ol’ hag as I am)!! I solemnly swear that I’m not as much of a spiteful person as my reviews just made me seem – I’ll probably write a (much more positive) blog on the TikTok books that I actually did enjoy sometime in the near future, but for now, please please stay away from these aforementioned books.

In May of last year, I embarked on a mission of labeling each of my friends as a cake flavor (please don’t ask why, quarantine really got the best of me). I got through about 15 people – which roughly translates to 7.84 minutes of laborious thinking – before boredom hit, but here is a continuation of that journey. As you read through, I would highly encourage trying to categorize yourself and the people in your life as one of the following flavors.

WARNING: Do not read this blog while you’re in a state of hunger.

Birthday Cake: The most classic cake flavor, the one that you should always go to when in doubt; the rainbow sprinkles indicate the fun in their personality. 

• This is the friend who remembers everyone’s birthday (duh). When you have exciting life-changing news, or are going through a bad break-up, your Birthday Cake friend is the one that you immediately call. These are the people you can go for months without talking to, and then seamlessly pick up right where you left off when you reconnect again. They are with you through thick and thin – maybe not always in the closest physical proximity, but forever in your heart. 

Angel Food: The deceiving one – seemingly delicate on the exterior, but really tough on the inside. 

• This is the friend who will go out of their way for moments of kindness, whether it be buying you lunch when you leave your wallet at home or sitting at a two-person table with you at lunch even though they have a whole other friend group in the same period. But, these are actions they do on their own accord: your Angel Food friend may seem like people pleasers, but they will firmly put their foot down if they feel as if they’re being exploited for their kindness.

Chocolate Molten: The ~other~ deceiving one, seemingly tough on the exterior, but a literal marshmallow on the inside. 

• In a complete 180 from the Angel Food friend, this is the friend who always walks around with a scowl on their face and has a closet that seems to consist of only dark clothing. Have you ever seen them smile, tear up, or express any sort of emotion before? Probably not. But, the closer you get to your Chocolate Molten friend, the more you realize how much of a softie they are. When they finally start opening up to you in their vulnerable moments, you can’t help but feel protective over them, especially with the facade they’ve put up. 

Lemon: The refreshing one who has a completely different personality (in the best possible way!) than the majority of the people you regularly interact with; often can be super sweet. 

• This is the friend who you never saw coming, the one that just unexpectedly crept up on you out of nowhere and now is a permanent staple in your life. When you have conversations with your Lemon friend, they never fail to bring new perspectives to the table, ones that you never would have initially considered. You always look forward to talking to them, excited about the unpredictable responses you’ll receive. Typically, they’re also very #woke, meaning they scroll through their New York Times subscription every morning and are always posting the most recent political news on their Instagram story.

Red Velvet: The perfect medium between vanilla and chocolate; the two most basic flavors intertwined into one, but somehow create something (or someone) unbelievably unique. The cream cheese frosting helps to tie it all together, a layer of unexpected sweetness.

• This is the friend who has it all. Their life revolves around color-coded Google Calendars and long, winding lists on their personal Notion page. They know exactly what they want to do with their life, and have already planned out their dinner for August 2nd, 2031. When you’re going through your 17th life crisis of the week, you know you can depend on them to give you the best advice on how to get your life together. Their college application process was seamless – they had all of their essays written by the first week of September. 

Cookie Cake: The most reliable cake flavor, good for any occasion and thrives in low key environments. (Listen, I know this technically isn’t a cake, but this is my blog so hah 😌)

• This is the friend who is your literal rock. They are a constant steady force in your life, the one you go to for especially seemingly miniscule events. You tell your Cookie Cake friend all about even the most miniscule things, from making eye contact with your school crush from across the classroom to getting an A on a quiz you thought you were going to fail. Essentially, your text messages with them are just a stream of consciousness from your end. When you’re stuck in line by yourself at a grocery store and are desperately trying to seem busy to avoid looking like a loner, you’ll send them a thread of endless spam: “Omg standing in line just feels embarrassing for no reason”, “HELP I just made eye contact with the judgmental elderly lady in the other line”, “Do you think 17 items is too many for the Express Line (15 or less) at Jewel?????”, etc.

Me? I would say I’m a Birthday Cake, but I don’t have any substantial reasoning to back that up. Regardless, if you’ve made it this far and want a diagnosis of you or your favorite book/movie/TV show character’s cake flavor, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll get back to you ASAP!