NAPERVILLE, Il. — North Central College student Brandon Zimmerman expanded his extensive trigger-warning list to include COVID-19 quarantine-related phrases “at-home workout” and “normal sleep schedule,” adding onto his already-robust catalog of panic-inducing phrases like “non-vegan protein” and “remember guys, there’s a blog due on Friday!”
“Look, I just don’t want to hear about people leading productive, useful lives during this difficult time,” Zimmerman said while watching his fifth “Breaking Bad” episode of the day. “As far as I’m concerned, going to sleep at 11 a.m. and waking up at 7 p.m. is a lifestyle that I’ve chosen, and nobody is going to talk me out of it.”
Some of Zimmerman’s closest friends agree, noting that they’ve also expanded their trigger-warning lists during this uncertain time.
“Yeah, I got really tired of seeing posts on my Instagram of people doing body-weight workouts and calisthenics,” commented Samantha Aberdeen, who, going even further than Zimmerman, has also added “getting some sun” to her list of triggers. “God, some people even posted themselves running outside! What are we, cheetahs? I just don’t get the obsession with pursuing anything other than staying at home, eating ice cream, and watching television, like any red-blooded American should be doing.”
While some have criticized “snowflakes” like Zimmerman and his friends for being too soft, North Central College gender-and-inequality-studies Professor Simone Farci notes that trigger-warnings can play a crucial role in maintaining self-esteem.
“Really, the most important part of this moment in global history, besides all the pandemic stuff, of course, is to make sure that everybody maintains a positive image of themselves. We want to ensure that everybody feels like they are beautiful, and loved, and that they don’t have to do ten push-ups if they really don’t want to. If they would rather not hear anything that makes them uncomfortable, they should be able to have that safe space,” Farci said, shortly after explaining her “all-A+’s” grading policy.
At press time, Farci was spotted crafting “I Survived the COVID-19 Pandemic!” medals that she plans on giving to all the members of her class, including Zimmerman and Aberdeen.
“I just think it’ll make a great addition to their resumes,” Farci said.