Everyone has a different approach to certain situations, given that everyone’s mind works in a different way. I’d like to take this opportunity to speak a little bit about how my mind works in relation to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
The most significant part is that everything I do is in 3’s. I count many of my daily functions. My steps are in threes and everything I do is a multiple of three. On the opposite side of things, I hate the number 4. I’m not sure what it is, but I cannot do anything in fours. If there is something I need to do in fours, I need to somehow make it okay in my mind where it is not actually in fours. For example, in the morning when I brush my teeth I need to swish and spit water four times because that is my routine and that is when I feel that my mouth is the cleanest. But I cannot do anything in fours. I change my way of thinking so that my last sip of water, even if I am swallowing it, still counts as the fifth thing that I’m doing. I have to combine the five actions together or else it will not work in my head.
I also have a huge issue with the placement of objects in my house, especially in my room. Everything has its place and it cannot be moved. We have people who come and clean our house every other week just to keep things in order, and I used to have severe panic attacks when I got home from school that day because they would need to move items on my shelves in order to clean thoroughly. I knew I could easily walk over and move it so that it could just be back in the place that it was originally, but that doesn’t work in my head. That item will never be in the exact place that it is supposed to be in. It is never possible to put that object back in the exact spot that it was in before it was moved, and that is what truly bothers me.
Another aspect of OCD is that there are certain things I feel like I absolutely need to do or else there will be consequences. For example, before I go to bed every single night I need to think a certain thought. It’s difficult to explain so I won’t go into that, just know I need to do this thing before going to bed. I feel that if I do not do this, something terrible will happen to my family members. It is incredibly irrational, and I know that, but if I were to not do that thing one night and something did happen to one of my family members, I would completely blame myself and think it was all my fault, even though logically I know I have no control over that.
In addition to this, there is the obsessive need to be clean or free of germs. I wash my hands very consistently and try to not touch doorknobs whenever possible. I also hate being touched. I only allow a very specific number of people to touch me, and it typically must be initiated by me. I believe this is partially because of my fear of germs. There is bacteria everywhere and it is very difficult for me to allow others to touch me because I don’t want their germs on me. If someone does touch me, without thinking I will reflexively rub my skin wherever they touched me in an attempt to rub the germs off I guess. It seems stupid, but it helps me feel like in some way I have brushed the germs off.
These are just a few things that interfere with my daily life relating to OCD. My entire life is run on very specific routines, so if something is out of order it can be very difficult to pull myself together and attempt to get past this.
These compulsions used to completely run my life. I refused to go to any sort of therapy because I already knew they would mainly rely on exposure therapy, which I know would make everything so much worse. Due to this mindset, I decided to take some steps myself. When the people came and cleaned my house, I would force myself not to move anything. I would look at everything out of place, allow myself to have that panic attack that I knew was coming, but wouldn’t allow myself to fix it or try to make everything back in order. I needed to be okay with the imperfections. I also had an issue with my socks. I still cannot wear socks that do not match, but it used to be so much worse because I would have to compare many socks of the same color and see which ones looked the most similar, and then match those ones together. To move past this, I tried to just pair the same colored socks together, no matter which ones looked the most similar. That was a bit of a struggle, but I can do it now. I have been trying to work through this myself because I know myself better than anyone and I know what my limitations are.
There are so many other routines I need to do every day, so many other objects that need to be in their specific place or perfect, but this is just a snapshot into some of the more prominent struggles. Obviously, there are varying levels of OCD and everyone will have a different experience with it, but I just wanted to share a little insight into how I think and why seemingly common daily actions can turn into very challenging tasks for me, so that my friends and family may be able to understand a little bit more of where I’m coming from.
For more information on OCD, check out the website below!