Every person I know who shares a passion for the art of literature, seems to have some sort of fairytale-like memory about how they first fell so deeply in love with a world of stories and poetries; like the first book they read, or the first poem they recited, or someone in their life who inspired them to learn more and read more. For me though, this doesn’t seem to be the case. You see, I was born into a culture built upon one of the world’s oldest literatures. A culture that spans over two-and-a-half millennia. So really, literature is all that I’ve ever known.
There were a lot of things I didn’t like about school in Iran, but learning about Persian literature was not even close to being one of them. All the different styles, names, compositions, meanings, and beautiful rhythm made me feel things I’d never felt before. I felt a sense of balance and closeness to everything; people, nature, and the universe as a whole. I grew up in a family that holds cultural traditions above all else so even at home, literature was a big part of my reality.
While other kids read bedtime stories at night, I was busy trying to interpret distichs of the Shahnameh so I could finally find out if Rostam was able to defeat the enemy once and for all. If I wasn’t doing that, then I’d be reading The Divan of Hafez with my father so I could learn to be a better person with a purpose in this world. I remember how every time my father wanted to give my sister and I any kind of advice about leading a better life, he’d pull out this tiny edition he had of the Divan and ask us to randomly pick a chapter, so that every time we’d learn something different.
At 17 years old, I feel every word and verse by these literary geniuses in my mind, heart, and soul. Hafez, Saadi, Ferdowsi, Forough, Shamlou,… these people aren’t just historical icons to me, they’re family, they’re flesh and blood. By giving birth to multiple generations of culturally classic literature, these people have given us the voice to communicate with other cultures of the world, and that for me, is the beauty of this art and what ties my entire existence to it, physically and spiritually.
بنیآدم اعضای یک پیکرند
که در آفرينش ز یک گوهرند
چو عضوى بهدرد آورَد روزگار
دگر عضوها را نمانَد قرار
تو کز محنت دیگران بیغمی
نشاید که نامت نهند آدمی
“Human beings are members of a whole,
since in their creation they are of one essence.
When the conditions of the time brings a member (limb) to pain,
the other members (limbs) will suffer from discomfort.
You, who are indifferent to the misery of others,
it is not fitting that they should call you a human being.” – Saadi Shirazi
Since the dawn of time, music has been a way for humans to express themselves. Whether it’s expressing our sorrow and pain, or our happiness and joy, we all have songs that simply hit different and make us feel something. I’m gonna share 5 songs that do that to me.
The first time I heard this song was actually in a Netflix movie trailer. I never even watched the movie but the song is so beautiful and it just makes me feel SOMETHINGGGGG. I’ve asked my family to play this song at my funeral.
This is a song I first heard in the video game Life is strange (which is by far one of my favorites). I was obsessed with the game’s plot cause it was so significant and original. This song was played when one of the main characters dies and even though it’s not even a sad song it makes me super sad.
This one is also from Life is strange and again, was played during a very, very sad scene so this one makes me sad too but still sends a shiver down my spine.
Did I make the most of loving you is the whole theme song of one of my favorite TV series: Downton Abbey. It is originally sung by Mary-Jess Leaverland but this version is so acoustic, soothing and again sad which is why I love it.
I’ve never really been into Willow’s music (mostly because I don’t hear it often) but this one (which I heard on TikTok) makes me super happy and just puts me in a cool but good mood.
I remember all the tears and cries and all the despair. I remember the painful feeling of my heart being torn into shreds. I swear at some point, the pain felt physical. It wasn’t the type of pain you’d feel in your heart, I could feel it everywhere, like I was just hit by an eighteen-wheeler and honestly, in that moment I would have rather had all my bones broken than to hear those words come out my sisters mouth. The image of her walking in my room with that broken expression, I’ll never forget. “It was cancer all along. I told her, I told her to check it out so many times and she never listened and now she’s gonna die…what if she dies?” What if she does die? then what? It didn’t seem real to me at first; our friend, Mona, having cancer? No. That’s just something that couldn’t happen, it shouldn’t happen.
I remember how I literally laughed it off and told my sister to get a grip. “So what? She’s not the first person to get cancer and she most likely will survive so there’s no use in crying.” But deep down, I felt this burn, like something was eating me up. Still, I refused to shed a single tear. What were my tears gonna do? miraculously cure Mona’s leukemia? No, tears were no help. I never visited her in the hospital, not once. Maybe it was a fear of hospitals after my mom’s stroke or the fear of breaking down in front of her but I denied all of this and kept convincing myself “I just don’t have the time for a visit.” Sometimes, I really wish I had visited her but if time was reversed, I know I still wouldn’t go. The thought of a close friend fighting such a hard battle was a hard pill for me to swallow but walking in the cold hospital room and seeing her so lifeless and tired, that hurt a different way; it scared me a different way.
After she was done with her emergency treatment, they sent her home. I remember my visit like it was just last week. Mona always kept her hair short, but seeing all of it shaved off sent shivers down my spine. Seeing her limp while walking almost made me nauseos. I didn’t say anything though. If anything, I pretended as if she hadn’t been under harsh radiation a week before. As if she wasn’t struggling with a rare condition that mostly resulted into the victims dying. This was just another ordinary visit. Another ordinary day. Mona was the same too. She wouldn’t let her condition peek through, she couldn’t. I guess we both shared the fear of vulnerability. I had promised myself to not cry for her, because “tears were no use” yet I couldn’t help but weep every night and cry myself to sleep. I always wondered “how’s Mona handling all of this? How’s she living her life thinking her days are most likely numbered?”
The funniest thing about this whole situation was how Mona was probably the most positive out of all us. At first I’d tell myself it’s probably cause she doesn’t want to lose herself but soon realized it’s much more than that. Mona’s positivity and strength was beyond anyone’s expectations, even her doctors! The way she carried herself as if nothing was wrong, nothing was hurting or out of place was honestly amazing. I was never a believer in energies and other things related to that, I didn’t believe in karma, the law of attraction or anything else. Mona, on the other hand, was a sole believer of energies and their powers and effects, especially after what had happened to her; she believed any energy you put out into this world will surely find its way back to you, positive or negative. Mona never once spoke the word “if”, she never asked her doctors about her chance at life and yet, she was constantly making plans for the future; like going back to London to continue school, adopting a cat, and even where she wanted to celebrate her next birthday!
Her view on life and the future changed something in me, almost as if it inspired me. Just like Mona, I stopped using “if” or “maybe” , in fact I became more assertive with my dreams and future plans. I stopped thinking about the negative outcomes and instead, focused on all the good things that could, and would happen. As much as Mona’s battle effected her life, it effected mine as well, both for the worse and better; seeing a loved one struggle with daily tasks and life in general is something none of us wish to see and I am no exception to that, but just like Mona always said, “Everything happens for a reason.”
At the time I didn’t understand what she meant by that, I didn’t want to. How could something so bad happen for a “reason”? What’s the reason behind bad things happening to good people? But now, I feel all of it, in my bones. What happened to my friend, was unfortunate and will always be apart of her life, and mine. But because of this unfortunate event, Mona found a strength in her none of us thought she had, she faced life with a newer and better perspective and because of her, so did I. Obviously this whole story doesn’t revolve around me, but it did impact me more than anything else in my life and I’ve learned lessons from it that have shaped me into the person I am today.
As for Mona, she continues her battle with the negative effects left on her body and I know deep down, she’ll overcome all of them like she did with cancer itself. After all, any energy you put out into this world will find its way back to you and with all the positive impact Mona’s had on this world, I know she’ll get through any obstacle life sets on her path.
William Timothy ‘Tim” O’brien, author of The Things They Carried
In Tim O’brien’s famous book,The Things They Carried, he speaks about many people, stories, and events that took place during the war; although he does claim that the book is actually not about war, but about peace. During the fourth chapter ,on the Rainy River, O’brien recounts a different scene from his life; specifically an event that happened before the war. An event he quote: “Never told anyone” until the publishing of his book. Throughout this chapter and his memories, he talks about courage; his own courage that is, which he believes is non-existent because of the war since he calls himself a coward. How could that be though, many of us wonder. How and why would a soldier who fought for his country feel as if he is a coward? Is Tim O’brien the only person who felt like this about the war, or were there others who too felt as if they were nothing more than shameful cowards?
One subject our narrator, O’brien, touches on many times throughout the entire book, is his opinion on war. O’brien never supported the war and he made that clear through his mild protests and college newspaper publishes against the war, since he saw no purpose to it: “…the American war in Vietnam seemed to me wrong. Certain blood was being shed for uncertain reasons. I saw no unity of purpose, no consensus on matters of philosophy or history or law.” Once he graduated college though, he was drafted into the war, meaning he had no say wether he’d want to fight for his country or not. O’brien didn’t look at war as some sort of justice seeking, he saw it as murder, brutality and blood spill. So when he got the news of him being drafted, he was torn between two paths; one was to join the army and serve in Vietnam by taking part in the actions of war, the other was to run away to Canada, to cross the border and never return. O’brien describes how badly he wanted to leave everything behind and run away to Canada saying: ” Both my conscience and instincts were telling me to make a break for it, just take off and run like hell and never stop.” but he feared he would get caught by authorities or worse, be known as a coward and losing respectability.
Later one day at work in the slaughterhouse, he suddenly got the urge to make a run for it. He left work, got in his car and drove north along the Rainy River, the natural border between America and Canada. Along the way O’brien still struggled with his morals and thoughts and thought about going back home. Exhausted and upset, still on the U.S side of the border, he decided to stop at Tip Top, an old down-at-heel resort owned by a man named Elroy Berdahl, whom O’brien mentions as his hero. Elroy rented out a cabin to O’brien so he could rest and O’brien, in exchange would help him with chores. Elroy was a man who kept to himself and didn’t pry into O’brien’s business while O’brien continued to feel very stressed, nervous and most of all ashamed for running away so he would assist Elroy by doing more chores in order to try and forget about his troubles.
Tip Top LodgeErnest “Elroy’ Berdahl 1913-1999 grave memorial
On his last day at the resort, Elroy took O’brien to the Rainy River for fishing. Throughout this scene, the narrator makes many comments about what he felt and the thoughts flashing through his mind, how he wanted to jump off the boat and swim past the border but the overbearing feeling of shame wouldn’t allow it. he describes himself feeling shameful, helpless and that he was crying, all the while Elroy kept quiet, pretending to not notice O’brien’s breakdown. Finally, O’brien makes the toughest decision of his life, not influenced by his morals, but by his shame, which is why he thinks of himself as a coward : “…I couldn’t tolerate it. I couldn’t endure the mockery, or the disgrace, or the patriotic ridicule. Even in my imagination…I couldn’t make myself brave. It had nothing to do with morality. Embarrassment, that’s all it was. And then I submitted. I would go to war — I would kill and maybe die– because I was embarrassed not to. That was the sad thing. And so I sat in the bow of the boat and cried.”
The Rainy River, natural border between the U.S and Canada Minnesota–Ontario
To admit that he was embarrassed and ashamed to stick with his morals and not go to war and making a decision that would most likely change his life for the worst, was probably the hardest pill to swallow, as it would have been for most of us. Unfortunately though, having to pick sides between our morals and what society thinks of us is a huge sacrifice we all have to make in life, especially with the big role shame plays in it. A very simple and small examples of this would be the very small choices we make in order to impress friends and family because we’re to embarrassed to swim against the current, just like O’brien.
This very concept makes me wonder about how many other soldiers and people on the battlefield went through the same thing. How many of them didn’t want to be there? How many of them were ashamed of being there but died as ‘heroes’? In my opinion this is a very intense and unfortunate concept because there could have been hundreds, if not thousands of people who, like O’brien, felt ashamed of who they were and what they were doing but they never got the chance to come clean and seek peace within themselves. We like to believe each and every soldier who fought for us and this country is a hero and of course they are because these people put their own life on the line so we could have a future like today but, I like to believe they are heroes because of the emotional weight they had on their shoulders, the constant moral battles they had within themselves and yet they still fought for us, wether it was to find some sort of courage within themselves or to not be known as a coward by their peers.
Mental health is just as important as physical health and I believe we need to talk about that a lot more when we discuss war and soldiers and how much their mental health, specifically the negative aspects of it like shame, played a role in the decisions they made and the way some of them felt during their last moments. It’s important to note that these aspects affect all of us and it’s important to remind each other that it’s okay to feel afraid of taking a stand against society, what shouldn’t be okay is for you to be ashamed of your morals, your opinions and who you are. You are in charge of your decisions and choices, do not let shame take that away from you.
Throughout all the chapters, Tim O’brien has been expressing himself through different characters, scenarios and even different things. He’s been expressing all the things he felt during the war and all the things he carried throughout, and after. Speaking of courage, is a lot more different than the other chapters. It feels a lot more different. The point of view changes, the aura changes and the main focus of this chapter is Norman Bowker and his thoughts and emotions after the war.
Bowker is described driving around in his Chev around a lake, again and again, thinking about one specific, horrible night which has left him mentally scarred. Bowker witnessed Kiowa, a former friend, get shot and fall into the pile of waste and shit and slowly sink into it. Bowker tried to help and pull him out but according to him: “The smell was too much!” and he had to let go of Kiowa. He keeps telling himself (and others given the scenario he was thinking about) that he wanted to save Kiowa for a medal, a medal that would’ve been his eighth one and all this distress is because he couldn’t get his hands on that medal but I personally believe it’s because he couldn’t save Kiowa (which is actually revealed to be true at the end of the chapter). After his twelfth turn around the lake, Bower finally gets out of his car and and walks into the lake, under the water. 3 years after the war, Norman Bowker committed suicide.
Norman Bowker is a big symbol of PTSD and O’brien is actually talking about his struggles with PTSD after the war. It’s obvious he went through a lot (especially since he had suicidal thoughts) I believe a part of that is because people didn’t really believe in PTSD during those times and even if they did it, nobody really thought of a ‘cure’ or a way to help victims cope. Fortunately today we have plenty of ways and people for victims to reach out to and start a healing process so they can be at peace with themselves and hopefully not take the path Norman Bowkers took.
“Sweetheart of The Song Tra Bong” introduces us to a new character, Mary Anne Belle. One of the troops, Mark Fossie’s, former girlfriend (and soon to be fiance). Mary Anne is described as an innocent, pure, girl who finds a place in everyone’s heart after being flown in by Fossie. Mary Anne is also very curious, specifically about the war and its brutalities but didn’t seem to really wanna be apart of it. As time went on though, she became more and more experienced, with weapons, with medical care, with the battle field and soon enough, it seemed as if the once pure and cheerful Mary Anne was gone and had been replaced by a cold hearted killer. This new person was no longer intrested in marriage and kids or even love itself, she was interested in the blood and fire and all the darkness that was attached to the battlefields and at one point, she became too obsessed with it. Mary Anne never returned to her bubbly self, in fact, it was as if she had gotten lost within herself and her dark desires.
Despite the fact that Mary Anne Bell is a no less than a fictional character, her transformation isn’t. Her curiosity isn’t. Her desire to achieve more in life isn’t. Her need to feel alive, to feel different isn’t. We’ve all been in situations where we too, wanted to take the risk, to feel the danger, the fear, just to feel a bit more alive, excited, different. But sometimes, those desires and needs get the best of us and as described by O’brien, they become a toxic drug, a drug so strong that we’d rather let ourselves get lost in all those desires than to have to live without feeling them, without ‘achieving’ them. Sometimes, we try to convince ourselves that we’re looking for an answer, for a purpose but what purpose would it have to destroy ourselves to find the ‘right’ answer?
When we think of war, we think of many things. ‘Beautiful’ is probably not one of those things. But i believe there’s beauty in everything, even war. From soldiers helping each other and those in need, children of war carrying on with their strong spirits through a living hell, to dogs posing in formal attires. It’s really up to you and how you define beauty.
On the fourth chapter, The rainy river, O’brien talks about shame and sees himself as a coward for entering the war. Now the question here is why would he be ashamed of himself when he’s fighting for his country? Did other soldiers feel this way as well? Here’s my take on all of this.
O’brien did not believe in war. He did not see it as a necessity for peace. He didn’t want to kill anyone regardless of their race or opinions on war and ‘justice’. He was a strong advocate for all of this . But when he was drafted into the army, even tho he still stood by his morals and opinions and so badly wanted to run away to Canada, he didn’t and instead joined the army. He was ashamed of himself because he did not stand up for what was right from his point of view. He was ashamed because he came to the realization that he’s not as strong as he thought he was. He was ashamed because he would rather go against his own morals and values to be deemed as a hero than to be known as a coward for running away to Canada, Even tho he knew deep down that’s exactly what he was.
It’s honestly upsetting to think about how many other soldiers felt this way, only they didn’t get to live to tell their stories and come clean. We like to believe every soldier died in the most honorable way and of course we believe that because to die like that for your country and people is one of the most honorable things a person can do but it’s unfortunate that most of them died with the feeling of shame and cowardice surrounding them. They didn’t see themselves as martyrs or heroes.
So what is the true relationship between shame and courage?
“It was not courage, exactly; the object was not valor, Rather, they were too frightened to be cowards.” ~ O’brien
I think this quote by O’brien perfectly describes that. Sometimes, its the shame and fear that brings out the courage in us. The shame and fear of not standing up for what’s right. The shame and fear of not staying true to ourselves. The shame and fear of being ashamed and afraid of ourselves and our desicions. Sometimes you HAVE to be ashamed, afraid, angry etc. to the point where you HAVE to do what you think is right because none of us want to be cowards. None of us want to feel like we’ve failed ourselves.
I think one of the most important messages from this chapter and O’brien’s take on shame and courage is that no matter what, we must stay true to ourselves and fight for what we believe is right. It’s better to be known as a ‘coward’ but be at peace with ourselves and our decisions than to be called a hero yet live a life full of shame like O’brien did. You matter more. You matter most.
Hello!!!! I think I’m a little late to this whole thing but oh well. This entire post is some (random) stuff about me which you may or may not find interesting. I guess I should start by introducing myself; My name’s Sara, I’m 16 years old (soon to be 17 yee) my last name is Kaikavousi which is too long and hard for most people to pronounce so I usually ask them to go with the first three letters: Kai (literally just pronounced like the letter K).
A lot of people also wonder what my last name even means (you probably didn’t tho). To make it short, Kaikavous is the name of a king from a book called Shahnameh. The book is written by the infamous Persian poet by the name of Ferdowsi. If you haven’t figured by now, I’m Persian. Both my parents were born and raised in the country of Iran, although my sister and I were born in America. During the first few years of my life, my mom, sister, and I lived in Chicago but we had to move back to Iran cause of my dad’s job. Even tho my family and I would constantly re-visit the US, I was never really familiar with it’s people or had any friends besides my other relatives who live here. So that’s why this year was a huge (and difficult) change for me. We decided its finally time to move to America once and for all so my sister and I could hopefully have better opportunities for the future. This is my first year in an American school system so I really hope I can find my place like everyone else.
I’ve always been a cat person and have basically grown up with them, so of course I brought my cat, Makhmal (means velvet if you’re curious), all the way across the globe with me. Was he stressed? Yes. Was I stressed? Also Yes. Do I regret it? Nope. We actually took him in from a shelter and later found out his previous owners had abused him and kept him locked up so he’s a bit shy and anti-social but he’s come such a long way (literally).
As far as my future plans go, I wanna get into NYU and become a criminal lawyer cause its been something I’ve been into and been passionate about for as long as I can remember. I’m also really into music of all sorts and do a little bit of singing here and there but I don’t really see that kind of stuff as my future career.
That’s honestly all I can think of about myself. Hopefully It wasn’t too boring, thanks for taking the time to “get to know meee” (◕‿◕✿) <—— ( I went through a lot to find these weird emojis and my old photos so please enjoy )
Life in Iran with my best friends <3
One of the many cultural tourist attractions in Iran, Village of Abyaneh
