How do I begin to explain Doris Han? 

“Doris Han is flawless.” 

“She has two Fendi Purses and a silver Lexus.” 

“I hear her hair’s insured for $10,000.”

“I hear she does car commercials… in Japan.”

“Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.”

“One time she met John Stamos on a plane…. And he told her she was pretty.”

“One time she punched me in the face… it was awesome.”

 

Whoops this isn’t Mean Girls… I’ll start again. 

It all started when I was born. I know, a truly stereotypical start, but hear me out. After peaking for nine months in the womb, I was forcefully evicted out of my humble abode into a world of low-rise pants and the death of Brittany Spears and Justin Timberlake’s relationship called the early 2000s. I lived the next 17 years of my life with my family of four that includes myself, my father, mother, 10 year old brother Derek, and no pets other than the plethora of goldfish we’ve had in the past (RIP Goldy, Redy, Fred, Pythagoras, Newton…).

I proceeded through life with a gleaming sense of mediocrity, like room-temperature water my personality was bland, covered up by a forced sense of comedy. However, with my gift of delivering insane amounts of self deprecation came what an optimist may coin as “resilience”, the ability to perform perfectly elastic collisions and bounce back in the face of adversity, in my mind, simply an extreme sense of apathy. And thus, aside from my absolutely horrendous puns, resilience is what I will always consider my strongest(ish) trait. 

As I grew, I developed a love for over-saturated food filters, became an extended metaphor connoisseur and attempted to develop a minimalist lifestyle that my desk, unfortunately, cannot justify. I live mainly through a set of 3Cs (Cool cids club??) that sum up my horrifically hectic lifestyle: 

(1) Cranes:

Everyone has probably heard of the famous story of Sadako and her one thousand paper cranes.

This idea of consistency as well as persistence has been ingrained into my head by a 5’2” Asian matriarch I call mother and a 5’0″ Asian matriarch I call Mrs. Moore. Of course, philosophical life lessons aside, I love folding cranes plain and simple. Their simple complexity creates a sense of overwhelming satisfaction, to the point where my entire common app essay was centered around the extended metaphor of folding cranes. Thus, my life revolves around art, any piece of loose-leaf has a doodle and every piece of scratch paper has been transformed into a bird. Don’t be fooled though, I’m no prodigy in origami, in fact I can’t really fold anything aside from cranes. Obsessive? Not quite. Fanatic? Possibly.  

(2) Caffeine:

Coffee? Coffee. 

(3) Cram:

High school is a time for the development of passions and a glimpse into the future. Of course, being the overly ambitious eighth grader that ended everything with aggressive double exclamation points, I embarked on a journey of STEM. Thus, as I attempted to balance my weekend sitcom binges and my obsessive playlist making with chemistry and linear algebra, I couldn’t help but cram everything in last minute while being on an extreme coffee high. During those times, my brain simultaneously asked myself “why is sigma notation in math just “for” loops in compsci?” and “were Ross and Rachel really on a break?”. Destined to fulfill my stereotype and become a doctor, my rigorous classes mixed with my impeccable procrastination to create a new strategy: “productive procrastination”. Creating a classical STUDY playlist instead of writing this paper? Write random poems instead of studying for the math final? Writing this page instead of studying for the chem quiz tomorrow? Yes. 

 

So I guess to end off this extremely long-winded and convoluted self intro: 

System.out.print(“Hello World!”);